In response to a friend of mine's post, I commented this really huge long thing, and I decided that I'd include it here (minus the extra randomness at the end).  I think it says enough for me to not have to mention what the original post was about:

So little drive, so little talent, and so little direction.
I seem to have lost hope in many things, and I find myself just kinda slacking off. I know that I should be concentrating more if I want to pass (and stay away from home mostly), I know the consquences, and I dread them. But I can't seem to get myself to care quite enough :S.

I love Linkin Park.  Their lyrics hit home sometimes, and it's weird, because I don't think I'm like that, and yet I am.  It's like another side of me that even I'm not very aware of myself.  It's the side I try to express more on my other blog actually. Don't ask me about it, and don't try to find it.

While I was at my Math help session thing the other day, our TA was like, all your life, you thought you knew how to count, and we hit you with this stuff, and you find out you can't count at all. I thought I should throw that out there.

I have yet to begin my Computer Science assignments due monday and tuesday...I need to get at least my logic assignment out of the way today...I want to really start my programming one though...cause seriously....it's gonna take a shitload of time.  I think I'm gonna need to scotch guard my room (and the whole apartment) when I start my programming htough..I need to prep for some wall punching...oy...

I will be done with a majority of the assignments and midterms by mid-late November...I can't wait...and then Finals will roll around...ugh...

OOH! I got a Bursary from the school, and come January, I'll only have to pay less than $200 for the remaining portion of my tuition fee ;) sweetness! but I'm still gonna be poor because I still need to pay rent and food and living expenses in general. but I was granted 201 hrs of workstudy, so I can try to get some work around campus...but I dunno if I have time to even apply...cause it's like applying to actual work in the real world. oy. anyway.


--------"By Myself"-Linkin Park--------

What do I do to ignore them behind me?
Do I follow my instincts blindly?
Do I hide my pride/from these bad dreams
and give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?
do I sit here and try to stand it?
or do I try to catch them red-handed?
do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness,
or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?
because I can't hold on when I'm stretched so thin
I make the right moves but I'm lost within
I put on my daily facade but then
I just end up getting hurt agan
By myself[myself]
I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can't rely on myself

I can't hold on
[to what I want when I'm stretched so thing]
It's all too much to take in
I can't hold on
[to anything watching everything spin]
with thoughts of failure sinking in

If I turn my back I'm defenseless
and to go blindly seems senseless
if I hide my pride and let it all go on then they'll
take from me till everything is gone
if I let them go I'll be outdone
but if I try to catch them I'll be outrun
If I'm killed by the questions like a cancer
then I'll be buried in the silence of the answer
[by myself]

How do you think I've lost so much
I'm so afraid I'm out of touch
how do you expect I will know what to do
when all I know is what you tell me to

don't you know I can't tell you how to make it go
no matter what I do, how hard I try
I can't seem to convince myself why
I'm stuck on the outside

------------------------- -------------

I had a relaxing weekend I think.  Well, for the most part I guess?  Friday was the day of the magazine's meeting thing. After getting lost by getting onto the 400, and Tyrone's regrets of not changing into better attire (ie: he was in sweats, and almost everyone else was dressed casual-business-like), it was alright.  Well, we left before the end of it because Tyrone had been up since 6am for work, and Steph had work the next day at 7am.  Oh well. I should call the guy back to apologize because he was supposed to talk to Tyrone and Steph...oops...:?

Anyway.  So then on Saturday, after a restful 10hr sleep, I headed over to SC with Cat to get some studying/work done.  Went home for dinner with family friends.  Then headed out to see "Taxi" with Tia.  It was a good movie.  Hehe, very Initial D like, but not really.  but like, cars, racing (kinda), more like chasing...it was great! :D It's my kinda movie...:) Queen Latifah is awesome - I think I'll watch her next movie coming out...I can't remember what it's called, or what it's about, or who else is in it...but I know they were some other music ppl...anyway

Then the next day after that, after a good 11hr sleep ;), I finaly brought the damn (new) computer back to best buy to have them fix it, cause it was always kinda slow, despite its superior specs.  but yeah, they basically formatted it...grr....lost all my emoticons  and pics :( the guy prolly thought I was stupid, cause I gave him a sheet of paper listing the exact problem, and I said that they were dialog pop-ups, and i think he thought i was talking about advertisements from adware :x. grr...i dunno if the problem is fixed, but it's running faster at least.
Brian and family came over as well, and when we got back ot the house, we went for a walk to the park (we wanted to visit Steph/Kenny/Chris, but they weren't home), but we decided to jog partially (because I was cold, and brendan needed exercise anyway). heh. we ran around the playground and partially jogged back. heh. my muscles still hurt :? lol. anyway

so that was basically my weekend. I slept a total of...28is hours? lol, that's like, 4average days, but I did it in 3 ;) I should go home just to sleep. lol. hmm...now there's an idea...:D

Anyway, I should get some work done (or at least clean my room alittle bit so I can work as soon as I get home from class). L8z.

I am sad. I am sad that I'm not more tired to go to bed, but mostly I am sad that even though I'm trying to "let go" of something I never had, things constantly remind me of him.

Kay and I went to GTs tonight for Vanessa's 19th Bday.  I had curled my hair and it looked really pretty and bouncy.  At the bar/club, I didn't really do anything. I did not even drink because I had had some drinks before we left the apartment. I do not dance, and there was no band playing either tonight.  I sat with Trish the whole time basically because she had no option but to sit aside, for she had broken her foot at GTs sometime earlier this year.  I found myself looking for people I knew, mostly him.  But I had a strong feeling that if he were to be in the same building at that time, he would have been at the "patio".  Two hours, plus a bit more, later, the people I had been sitting with (floormates from last year) started leaving, so I searched for Kalen and I moved awkwardly for two songs and asked if we could leave after the currently playing song.  While making our way out, I once again found myself profusely searching for a guy on crutches, or just a familiar face.  We reached the patio area, and I caught a glimpse of someone who could have potentially been him.  I tried to see if it was him, but people were in my way, and Kay kept on walking.  I saw the person he was talking to (back of his head anyway) and it looked like someone (in particular, someone I always saw him with last year).  I tried and I tried to see above people's heads, but I was so cold and Kay had walked further ahead, that I just left without finding out for sure if it was him.  I knew in the back of my head, though, that I was missing a huge oppurtunity to finally clear my mind.

Back at the apt, I talked to a roomate of mine, and I mentioned maybe seeing him, and she asked: "Is that why you're going out so much? Especially GTs?" Perhaps. I didn't answer her, I just looked away. But it is very likely that is why. I make excuses, and they're generally all valid, but I think that subconciously, the absolute truth is something else entirely.  I think that I thoroughly think this stuff through to make sure that I can accept the reasons for my behaviour.  But I know I'm lying to myself.  I hate lying.  It hurts me to realise that I seem to be a hypocrite sometimes.  I don't know if that applies here, but I know that in some ways, I am a hypocrite.  I am sorry, I hate to be like that, but I am just so confused.  Not knowing what my actual morals are, not knowing what I want, and not thinking important things thoroughly.  I end up doing things against what I say. (That was slightly off topic. But thus far, I think it was fairly understandable and organized.  Sorry, I think my writing101 lectures are rubbing off on me.)

It saddens me that I am such a coward sometimes.  It saddens me that I'm not more social.  And it saddens me the most that I know I am the way I am because I am scared.  I am scared to hear the truth, I am scared to be hurt, I am scared of the future; I am scared of life.

"Thus, the conscience makes a coward of us all." - Hamlet/Shakespeare