Honestly, I don't know how my mom thinks I would know all this stuff she expects from me when she doesn't even talk to me about it. Now, she's talking to me about it, and I don't know how she expected me to know all this stuff from before, when she never told me what she was thinking.
Apparently, she WANTS me to stay at home when I'm done school, until I'm married basically, cause that's what Chinese people do.

She's saying that I can go to school in London even if just for college, but make sure I can justify the extra money spent on the program and rent. But, she's making me feel like absolutely shit because I was going to try to pay everything on my own, even though I know it's borrowed money, I was gonna return it. She thinks that because she's my mom, she has to pay everything back for me until I can pay her back, so the interest doesn't accumlate as much. I mean, I appreciate that she's thinking like that for me, but she didn't think I was going to automatically assume she was gonna do that, did she? cause she doesn't know me then. Then again, I don't know why she would. Sure, she gave birth to me (supposedly. I really wonder if I was adopted or switched in the baby room or something sometimes), but, that doesn't mean she knows me inside out. Mike knows me the most, and that's because we're very similar in many aspects, he can guess many of my characterisitcs/qualities . And he's only known me for just under a month. I just want to spend time with him, talk to him, see what he thinks I should do. Feelings aside, I know he'd tell me the truth of what he'd think I should do with school. But I want to talk to him in person.

He's coming back on this Thursday now. I have a slight feeling, if I didn't have work the next day and the weather is good, he'd actaully come to Mississauga to spend new years eve with me, but I told him I had work. He's so sweet, and I feel so bad for putting him through this. I should suffer, not him. He's already been through so much. I dunno, I'm just confused. Conflicting morals and emotions. I'm listening a bit more to my emotions right now, but it's messing with my mind. agh. damn heart makes us feel , makes us live, makes us suffer.
"Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them." (Hamlet, III,i)

hmm, so, more has happened in these last few days.

It's come to my attention, that, 10 days ago, I was in tears because I was hurting so much from thinking about what was happening in terms of my "love life". I didn't think, ten days ago, that I'd be where I am today, alot happier than last year, anticipating the new year, and the start of the school year again. Well, I'm only waiting for my Desktop Publishing course...and possibly my two CS courses because Mike can help me with it and we can spend time together. So, yeah, in the last few days, we've decided that we're going to try the dating thing when he gets back from the Bahamas. 

I've really enjoyed our conversations thus far, and the other night, on Christmas eve night into Christmas day morning, he helped me reach my goal of staying up for 24hrs (heh, i FINALLY did it...lol..and it wasn't for school). We talked until 5:30am (when i woke up the day before because i had work at 7:30), and he called me at around 3:30am as well for about half an hour. It was really nice of him to do that. Unfortunately, my mom found out, and now, I feel tension in the air now that she knows I like a guy that's not Chinese. That's another story for another time. But, in our conversation, we discovered more similarities. For several years of my life, well, only a few I guess, there was a phrase I quoted from Hamlet once in a while that I used to describe myself with. "Thus conscience does make a coward of us all" (III,i) or something like that. We were talking about some random stuff, and he brought that quote up, telling me that he used it often to describe himself, and I was like, OMG, I use it to describe me too. that was SO weird. what're the odds of that happening? heh. so anyway. we discussed Shakespeare for a while, and a bunch of other random stuff. Towards the end of the night, he write a "poem", but it was basically just words describing how he felt. It was basically what I felt, but, I was alot more scared, and freaked out because of the situation he was in. so yeah. I wrote a "letter" actually, when I thought I wouldn't see him for weeks/months, stating what I was feeling. I may or may not have him read it (I left it at the apt in London), or maybe pick out parts and send it to him. Or I can just tell him. Anyway.

So, all this happened so quickly. A couple of friends think I'm going into this whole thing way too soon. I've gotten negative (VERY negative) feedback from a good friend of mine, and it upsets me that she feels this way. I suppose if I knew him longer (ie: more than a month), she would not have said it was almost "obsessive compulsive", what we're doing. I really hope what I'm doing isn't going to hurt me too much if it doesn't work out. I gotta understand that, I'm just a person he met a month ago, up against someone he's had a relationship with for 8 years and was about to marry in the upcoming year. He said that he won't ever get back together with her because they lacked that companionship (erm, i think that's a word...but u get what I mean) that we shared. I honestly don't know what to expect in a month, or in two weeks when we'll be seeing each other, for that matter. I am waiting in anticipation to see him again though. Seeing him smile makes me smile. He makes me happy, and somehow, I make him happy (I haven't figured out how yet..lol). He makes me feel so special. He understands my erm....lack of experience...in relationships, and he knows how I feel about him and the situation; he's made it absolutely clear that it's not about the sex; made it clear that he won't do anything that'd make me uncomfortable; and that he'd do anything to not screw this up. 

Sometimes, I think we're handling this too impulsively, because we know our time constraints. Plus, I've regretted so much from the past, that, I think I've had enough of it. I've found someone who enjoys my company as much as I enjoy his, and now that I have the opportunity to try to make it work, I'm gonna take that risk of being hurt in the end if it doesn't work out. It kinda scares me though, that he's so much more experienced than I, and I don't know what he expects of me. Well, he knows I don't have a clue, and he's been really understanding. We're already open with questions and stuff; could come in handy later on. But yeah. Tonight, we were chatting again, and after a while, he asked what I was thinking (I think I told him about how my mom found out about him...or maybe it was about school...i cannot remember :? ). And then he offered to buy me a ticket to the Bahamas so I could spend the rest of the week with him. He was actually serious. I don't know, I feel like I'm being unfair because he seems to like me alot more than I like him. Then again, he has most likely done this before (which kind of worries me a bit), so he doens't find it as weird as I do. Does he really miss me that much? or does he do this out of habit? I could ask if it comes up again. But yeah...He's trying to get back to London sooner now, since his dad left today for business, and his siblings are all leaving around the 2nd for school. I kind of hope he can get back sooner. I want to see him and spend time with him. I don't know if what I'm doing is really bad. I mean, he did only officially break off his engagement like, a week and 2 days ago. But the two of them already discussed what they're gonna do. She wants him to find out what he really wants, and vice versa. So at the end of their month of separation, what happens, happens. If I end up crying for days, oh well, I'm sure I'll enjoy the days I spend with him, happier than I have been in years, because I already am happier than I have been in years when I'm conversing with him. Take things one step at a time. Because, you never know what life throw at you. So many external factors that you cannot possibly predict. Why bother planning.

I seem to have learnt alot lately. These past couple of years, past few months, the past few weeks, past few days. I've changed, too. I think it's for the better. I'm more openminded I suppose, and you know what? It's about time. I'm starting my 20th year of living, by, living.

oh man! this weather in London is gonna kill me if it keeps up to be this windy! I was walking back from Sociology class this evening, and it took SO much effort cause I was walking against the wind, and for part of it, it was a bit of an uphill! man! it was Such a work out! I was thinking...if it DOES stay this windy, I'm gonna hafta get yet, a heavier coat (lol, my jacket was falling off the chair today in class, and the american kid was trying to put it back, but I think the weight of it suprised him...lol...he just had this weird expression on his face, and I'm like, yeah, it's a heavy coat,and he's like, yeah, it is :? heh)and/or backpack, or heavier shoes, or I just gotta eat more. lol. I totally felt like I was gonna fly away  few times...I just felt like the wind was lifing me away into the night...hmm...so anyway...I just wanted to leave a note on the crazy wind in Southwestern Ontario.

So, I just listened to this on the Linkin Park/Jay-Z website http://lpjz.com" title="http://lpjz.com" target="_blank"http://lpjz.com and it's quite ... um...I jsut don't like it. except for the fact that I can actually follow Mike now when he "talks"...heh...but anyway.

So, I was thinking....I've been talking to this guy in my Comp Sci classes, and we were just talking about the ways we interact as people (yes, not comp sci! lol), and he said he likes to make eye contact with the person he's talking to, and if the person doesn't make eye contact, it means that they're uninterested or intimidated. I thought I'd bring up this conversation because of my previous blog on here. I agreed that I am definately intimidated by eye contact. I think that when I make eye contact, I feel like the other person is trying to figure me out, or trying to see into my soul or something. I dunno, I'm weird. But I think that's why I don't like it sometimes. I can never hold it for too long. lol. cause then I feel exposed and vulnerable.

Anyway. Back to trying to find procrastinating things to do before I start this paper of mine.