Wow, I never really listened to the meaning in this song. I never realised how fitting these lyrics can be in my current situation. uh, me being the one running away.

"RUNNING AWAY" - Hoobastank

I don't want you to give it all up
and leave your own life collecting dust
and I don't want you to feel sorry for me
you never gave us a chance to be

And I don't need you to be by my side
and tell me that everything's all right
I just wanted you to tell me the truth
you know I'd do that for you

So why are you running away?
why are you running away?

I did enough to show you that I
was willing to give and sacrifice
and I was the one who was lifting you up
when you thought your life had had enough
and when I get close you turn away,
there's nothing that I can do or say
so now I need you to tell me the truth
you know I'd do that for you

So why are you running away?
why are you running away?

Is it me? Is it you?
nothing that I can do
to make you change your mind

Is it me? Is it you?
nothing that I can do
is it a waste of time?

Is it me? Is it you?
nothing that I can do
to make you change your mind

So why are you running away?
why are you running away?
(what is it I have to say?)
so why are you running away?
(to make you admit you're afraid)
why are you running away?

I couldn't get enough of this song on the trip. I think my roomies are about to kill me. :?
The road trip with my roomies was fun overall.  Some good jokes and stories and phrases that will be used months, perhaps years to come. "Holy Giant Jesus!" haha...I never knew Americans were that religious. But anyway. I don't have much to say about the trip right now, except that it was a friggen long 26hr drive because of all the stop overs. Stupid Kentucky didn't let us rent a room for the night on our way down to Florida because we weren't 21. :roll: so we drove straight throughout the night. Interesting drive. quite interesting.

I felt a bit lonely without Mike on the trip though. lol, sharing a bed with Jenna or Kay just wasn't the same. lol. I kept my corner of the bed and tried not to fall off. hahaha. I chose the floor a couple times, for that reason, and the beds were too soft :? hurt my back. heh.
I gave him a call on Tuesday after our 11hr stay at the hospital (Jenna had food poisoning from DisneyWorld). I had wanted to call him all night (we went at like, midnight), but I didn't want to wake him up. So i waited until we got back to the hotel at 11ish. I really missed him on the trip.

Since we got back, we spent a few hours together yesterday. It was a good few hours. He fell asleep when we were just laying on his bed. I was quite at peace. Until Karen called. And since then, it's been quite confusing. I don't know what I should do. I want to stay with him. For now. But will that make it that much harder in the future? If, I can't leave the country with him, will I be torn to pieces? We would try to ease out of our intimacy well ahead of the day he leaves, and we'd try to do the friends-only deal, but is that what I want? Do I want to go with him? Can I go with him? My head says no, my heart says yes. I told him yesterday, that I was 90% Canadian, 10% Chinese (I can't quite remember why). And I think it's the 10% Chinese that's holding me back so much. My mom said, that, Chinese culture and Western culture are just different, and it can't be changed. I was really saddened when she told me that. She obviously wasn't thinking of it in THIS context, but it applies here as well. I'm torn between my heritage I was born with, and the heritage I was raised in. I never thought it would be such a conflict.
Honestly, I think he and my dad would get along VERY well - if he was Chinese. But, because he's not, I dont know. I really don't know.
As I've said before (I think on this blog :?), I've done things because that's what they wanted me to do. But what about this time? I know boys come and go, and family is forever, but, I've never been that close with my family anyway. But, I can't just do that to them. Who do I want to please more? What about what I want? But I can't be that selfish. I've never been one to do something because only I wanted it - unless it didn't affect anyone else in a negative way.
I don't know. Sometimes, I think I should talk to my parents, let them know that I am actually seeing someone right now. And my predicaments. But, if it doesn't work out, I don't see a point. But, maybe it can help me with a decision. I think, right now, it is only family that is standing in my way of saying yes to him. I don't enjoy travelling that much, but it's not that terrible. I went on a roadtrip, was away from him for a week, and it was hard. It was very hard. Every quiet moment I had, I was thinking about him. Worrying about what was happening with him, and that I wasn't there to help him through it. I don't really want to do that again.

He thinks I'm upset with him; I'm not. I'm upset with myself. I hope I can tell him all of this one day. But, I don't think I can without making things more difficult for him, myself, the both of us. I want to be able to tell him everything, but, it's too unstable right now. I will wait until things have settled down between him and Karen. And hope that it won't be too late.


Love doesn't make the world go round.
Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.
--Franklin P. Jones

One day, I just want to walk in the rain, much like today. The rain fell effortlessly onto my face, and the temperature was just right, and there was no wind to ruin the dead of the moment. Without having to look down to avoid any wind, I was able to look around me, see the world through a clear window (I wore my contacts today, so no glasses to wipe).  I saw what I felt.  I listened to my Linkin Park on the walk home from my depressing Sociology class.  Every time I passed something solid like a tree or electrical box thing, I felt like punching it. One day, I really just want to sit in the rain. and let my tears out. In the rain, no one can tell if it's tears or rain. I suppose, it's the same in a sense. Tears from the sky.  Once in a while, the emotions just have to come out. Some way or another, it has to come out.

A little about me:

Last person who:

slept in your bed: Me...I forgot how comfy it can be :)
Saw you cry: hmm. I tend to tear when I laugh ALOT or choke on something. So, I can't really remember specifically, so either Mike, or Amy, or Cat, or Hana.
Made you cry: Prolly whoever saw me cry.
Spent the night at your house: If I told you, I'd hafta kill you.
You shared a drink with: uh. I don't know? probably Mike?
You went to the movies with: Hana - Ocean's Twelve
You went to the mall with: Cat - the day that it was superly snowy.
Yelled at you: hmm, yell? I can't remember. Maybe mom? or maybe a customer a while back.
Sent you an e-mail: Spam. (not the canned meat)
Said they were going to kill you: I dunno? I can't remember these things! I hear it so often, I just dismiss it.
Said 'I love you' and meant it: hmm, I think only one person's really said it to me, and he's trying not to say it again until I say it back.

Have you ever:

Been to New York? yes, it sucked cause we were on one of those bus tour things. and it was with my parents.
Been to Florida? not yet, but my roomies and I are going for reading week! whoo! It BETTER be good! I wanted a new phone and digicam!
Been to Hawaii? no.
Been to Mexico? no.
Dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the next day? I'm sure something like that's happened before, but not sure how crazy.
Got a really bad feeling about something then i happened? most likely
Wished you were the opposite sex? yes. Usually it happens once a month. plus, not only do I wish it, sometimes, I think I SHOULD be a guy. In some ways, I'm just more guy-like..*shrug*...heh...Plus, my name says it all. MANdy :?
Had an imaginary friend? no.

This or That

Red or blue? psh, that's easy - BLUE
Spring or Fall? early spring before all the bugs are out.
Santa or Rudolph? um. I dunno?
Math or English? I prefer to communicate in the english language. But for studying, I think I'd rather do math, even though I suck at it.

Various

What are you going to do after this survey? Read my chapters for Sociology.
What was the last food you ate? "Three Mushroom" cream soup. As Cat would say, it was pitiful.
Are you bored? A bit.
How many buddies are on? well, 26 ppl on my MSN list are on, but I don't talk to many of them.
Last movie you saw? Ocean's Twelve with TheHonz
Last noise you heard? Currently listening to Jet - "Look What You've Done"
Do you have a crush on someone? hmm. I'm seeing Mike, is that a crush?
Do they know? uh...see above?
What's his name? uh...Mike?
What do you think of ouija boards? Still can't decide if I believe in them. They're kinda scary either way.
What book are you reading now? Ugh...3 diff. novels for Sociology, but I was reading Lynda Truss' "Eats, Shoots and Leaves" before that. I had to put that on hold though.
What's on your mouse pad? i don't have one.
Favourite Magazine? I don't really read that kinda thing.
Worst feeling in the world? WORST? not quite sure. loneliness I suppose. When you feel like there's NO ONE in the world you can talk to. Yeah, I think that's definately one of the worst.
What's the first thing you think when you wake in the morning? Varies each morning. When I'm alone and I have class/work: "Damnit!". When with someone and I have class/work: "Gargh! WHY??". When with someone and it's the weekend: "mm..:) Let's sleep some more"
Future daughter's name? I don't really think about that kinda thing. False hope.
Future son's name? See above
Chocolate or Vanilla? I love to eat chocolate, but I prefer vanilla flavoured stuff
Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? sort of. I've been keeping them on the floor/chair lately.
If you could have any job you wanted, what would it be? I don't know. I suppose a web designer or something?
Are you a lefty, righty, or ambidextrous? I wish I were ambidextrous. Or lefty; they seem to be smarter people. I'm unfortunately a righty. haha.
Do you type with your fingers on the right keys? pretty much. Except for the "b" sometimes.
Your Hair colour: brown
Eye colour: brown
Glasses/Contacts: both. Currently, contacts
current age: 20
Location: London (Ontario) apartment in my room.
College Plans: I don't know. Just picked up the registration stuff for next year, today. oy.
Any piercings: ear lobes.
Best Friends: I don't know. It's difficult for me to define/differentiate best/good/very good. *shrug*
What Type of Automobile You Drive: roomate's. ;) she has a maxima. when I'm home, I dry either an accord, or a corolla. on occasion, the camry.and on occasion, Amy's corolla(s). hah.
Are you timely or always late: if it's up to me, I'm always timely. If I'm waiting for someone, I may be late.
Have you ever loved someone you had no chance with: I don't really know what love is. I'm trying to figure that out right now. Maybe I did at one point, but maybe not.
Have you ever cried over something someone of the opposite sex did? yes.
Ever liked a close guy friend: I don't really have any close guy friends.
Are you lonely right now? At this current moment in time, yes. But I won't be in 2 hrs :)
Ever Afraid You'll never get married? Not really. I don't really care for the idea of marriage. I'm more afraid of not being able to make it on my own.
Do you want kids? Not really. At all. I can't really stand them. Plus, I don't want a kid that resembles me running around. I'd feel bad for the kid. :?  Right now, I think I'd rather adopt (in the future).

Favourite

Room in your house: wherever the food is, or where the computer is.
Type of music: Alternative/Rock. Random.
Song: So many...
Memory: I'm a goldfish. I can't remember stuff like that.
Day of the Week: the day where I don't have any work to do whatsoever.
Colour: blue
Perfume or Cologne: for myself? I don't wear any. I don't really know my diff. scents either.
Flower: I dont' really like flowers. There is this flower that I think are pretty, but I don't know what they are. 

In the last 48 hours, have you:

Cried: I think so. Laughing from something
Bought Something: Timmy's HC and CC cookie.
Gotten sick: no. I'm trying to fight all the sicknesses around me.
Sang: I did yesterday
Said i love you: no
Met someone new: I may have. yeah, I don't think so.
Had a Serious Talk: I don't think so.
Missed Someone: yes.
Hugged Someone: yes.
Kissed Someone: yes.
Fought with your parents: no, haven't talked to them in a while. our last conversation was pretty decent actually! I was very suprised.
Dreamed about someone you can't be with: I can't remember my dreams. and even if I did, I don't think so. I'm quite content right now.
had a lot of sleep: I think so. not last night, but the night before, and the night before, I slept alot. 

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Thanks for the questionnaire, Cat!

Hmm...so, I've noticed that I'm not blogging much. Recently anyway. I don't have much I want/need to share at the current moment. I'm still reading blogs though, although I'm not checking as frequently. But I still read em! :D

I think we're finally getting into the comfy phase where we can be apart for a little longer, so the both of us can get some more work done (Mike and I). Although, it seems like a long time in between visits. :( Only another 2ish hours from now! :D I gotta read my sociology until then. I MUST! no more procrastinating and blogging! hehe.