Holy CRAP I miss him. :(  I need to stop thinking in circles. Let go of the past. :'(  I don't even know what to say to him anymore. I gotta make sure I don't say anything pertaining to our past relationship.

So, I came back to Mississauga last night from school, and as soon as my parents try to converse, I remember why I hate being at home so much. All they do is argue, and I swear, if they didn't care what their family thought about them, or our culture wasn't so strict, they would've divorced YEARS ago. UGH.

I think I have finally become everything I never wanted to be. :cry:

I hurt so much right now. In so many ways.
I had so much trust in him. And I lost it. SO much trust. :(

Need more friends with wings,
All the angels I know put concrete in my veins
I'd always walk home alone,
So I became lifeless just like my telephone

There's nothing to lose
When no one knows your name
There's nothing to gain
But the days don't seem to change

Never played truth or dare,
I'd have to check my mirror to see if I'm still here
My parents had no clue,
That I ate all my lunches alone in the bathroom

There's nothing to lose
When no one knows your name
There's nothing to gain
But the days don't seem to change

There's nothing to lose
My notebook will explain
There's nothing to gain
And I can't fight the pain

Teacher said it's just a phase,
When I grow up, my children will probably do the same
Kids just love to tease,
Who'd know it put me underground and age 17

There's nothing to lose
When no one knows your name
There's nothing to gain
But the days don't seem to change

There's nothing to lose
My notebook will explain
There's nothing to gain
And I can't fight the pain

_________________________ ________

I am bruised, but I am here.

    & nbsp; ------------------------- ------------------------- ----
     |  "Thus conscience does make cowards of us all" - Hamlet, III, i   |
    & nbsp; ------------------------- ------------------------- ----

I think that I've gone to bed lately not because I'm sleepy, but because my eyes are too puffy to stay open.  :^)

Starting to talk to some more people now. But I gotta hold off for 4 hours until this assignment is handed in (I assure you it wont' work though no matter what...unless u give me another year...heh)

I don't know if I've ever felt this distant to everyone before.
There is no one in this lab that I can vent and cry on.
I was finally in my thinking mood until he came by after dinner to see if I wanted a ride home.  That broke it my productivity streak (of all of 30 min).
I don't understand what I am supposed to do. 
I asked him last night when there will be an "official break", and he said, "do we need one? frankly, I will never ask, unless in the only scenario where I find someone else I want to be serious with, and that would be Karen."  Well that just sent me to the waterfalls for a while.  I understand his feelings and everything, but fuck, if he's like that, why are WE still seeing each other in that way?  I can't tell if it's helping the situation or making it worse. I guess, in a way, it's helping that he's not returning to her, cause she doesn't ever want to see him again, and he doesn't feel as lonely when I'm around. But clearly, I am not meeting is needs. And the only one right now that can, is the person who doesn't ever want to see him again. I don't know what to do, what to say to him, how to help him. I don't think I can.  Whether I leave, or stay, I don't think it will help.  I don't know exactly how vulnerable he is right now, so I can't say that in the long run it will help, because, what if he does crawl back to her? I don't know. I really don't know.

I myself, I don't know, after him, may go ahead and become a nun. I'll be a hermit nun. Or, just a hermit. I don't talk to people. People don't talk to me. I can't talk to people in general. For some fucked up reason, I don't want to tell people my problems, because it sounds petty when my feelings are formed into words. But if they're so stupid and petty, why have I cried so many times during the day and cried myself to sleep so many times this week?

I may lose my dignity after these last few posts to the few people who read it. But right now, I don't care.  But don't think you can help me. I don't think anyone can. Not you, not him, not that guy at SDC, not even myself. I am drowning in myself, and I cannot swim. Maybe that physical inability to swim, was an indicator all along.

To see; or not to see, that is the question.