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| Lifehouse...life... |
| 05.30.05 (10:09 pm) [edit] |
YAY LIFEHOUSE!!!
Just got back from their concert :D They're AWESOME in concert! WHOOO!!!
Some band called The Rocca D'Luca Band (or uh, something sounding something like that :? ) opened for them, and they're pretty awesome too! Man, their guitaring skills are SUPERB! ;)
So yeah, Lifehouse, despite Jason Wade's recent pnuemonia sickness, he was still able to sing and play REALLy well. I bet anyone who didn't know previously about him cancelling other shows because of his being sick, they wouldn't know he was sick! well, until he had a drink from a bottle, and he assured us that it wasn't alcohol, but something called "throat coat", and he was like "does anyone wanna try it?" and some ppl were saying yes (ie steph and this other person near the front) and he's like "really? well, here u go", and then she agreed that it wasn't good, and he's like "yeah, it tastes pretty bad. now don't pass it around" . lol, it was funny. but yeah. It was a pretty awesome concert. He said we were the most well-pitched audience they've had on this tour so far (although, I HOPE he was lying, cause we weren't that great at all! lol). Hehe, oh, I love live concerts, the bands are SOO much better live. You have so much more respect for them when you see them in their element. Performing what they wrote. :) Jason Wade even had a few short "stories" of some of his songs. hehehe, including one of the songs he wrote to try to get a girl to like him, called "Somewhere in between". hehe, the story was pretty funny, saying from where he's from, u only get noticed by a girl if u're one of 2 things: a football player, or a musician. And him being a tall skinny boy, not into sports, he picked up the guitar. haha. he's funny. but yeah. :) He's cool in my books. The other guitar player (not the new bass guitarist, the other dude) was really funny, his expression was hilarious for most of the show. he seemed to be thoroughly enjoying himself. hehe...
Lifehouse, you're absoultely awesome, and keep doing what you're doing. Jason, if writing music is what gets you girls, keep at it (unless you've already found one) ;) hehe. Judging by your mass female audience, it worked. hahah. I am glad you guys decided to stay together, after taking a couple years off. Your music is great. I can sleep to it, I can read to it, I can bob my head to it, and I LOVE to hear you perform live.
I discovered a new song that I like: Storm. It's really good. he sang it by himself, only him and the drummer on the stage. it was really good...everyone seemed mesmerized. well, I definately was.
During parts of the concert, I got pissed off. Not at the band, they were beyond awesome, but because I found myself thinking about the stupid past again. Why can't I just, forget anything that ever happened? I dunno...but at some part of it, I think it was prolly during "Undone", I got thinking (specifically)...
Mike said "From what you know about love so far, ...this is it."
I suppose, thinking now, at that point in my life, perhaps I was. I remember for about 2 weeks, I was the happiest I remember ever being in my life. I remember when he was sick and I was over at his place taking care of him, at one point when he was just resting in bed and I was laying beside him, I was just looking up at him, and I really wanted to say it. I didn't though. And I never did. I probably never will now. Even if I got the chance to, I wouldn't. I don't know if I still do. I am still superly upset, I am still going back and forth between angry and sad and missing him. I really missed him tonight. I saw so many couples there, and I wanted him to be there with me. But that's in the past now, I can't ever return to that. Not after all that. I can't let myself. I made the mistake the first time, and I suppose I made the mistake the second time too (my initial attempt to break up with him in March). But I can't let myself do that again for a third time.
He told me, "don't let people rent space in your head". And I said "yeah, you just took it". Damn right he did! He has overstayed his welcome. And I want him out.
I don't care if he still likes me, I can't see why he still can, after all my complaints and stupidness and saying/doing things to blame him that he "didn't do anything to deserve" cause obviously, he had to have done SOMETHING for me to have said all that, for me to cry all those tears. I don't think I have ever cried more tears over him than any one other person. I don't want to keep raising those numbers. I'm dehydrated as it is, I don't need to lose anymore fluids.
He has been removed from my MSN list. I opted not to block him. But I know if for some messed up reason he still messages me, I will make sure we keep conversations strictly on an aquintance level. I cannot handle anything that remotely relates to "us", or the former us, or a possible future us if anything ever changes.
I just have to keep on reminding myself. Remind myself of what Ling said: "Do you think you would be happier than before?...if not, you're wasting ur time". I am wasting my time. I will not be happier. I cannot. I will always have hovering quams. And I would never be able to fully trust him. And, I am still working on the "talking" thing. I was sitting in Tyrone's car tonight, on the drive back from the concert at the Guverment, and I was thinking how, I really only blog when there are things I want to say, but I have problems saying them to actual people. I know few people read this anyway, but the ones who do are probably the ones who know the most of what is going on. Between those and who I MSN, are the ones who know me the most. It is so sad. Why can I not talk to people? And when I see these people, I don't talk about it too much (I don't think). And sometimes, I keep on trucking through life as though nothing is going on. I suppose, everyone goes thru issues. And everyone has ways to cope. I always thought blogging and stuff helps. But it makes me realise that without it (internet communications), no one would know what is going on in my head. I have a bunch of other stuff too. But this is the main thing that has remained on the surface of my mind for the past few (:?) months. I have expressed alot of anger and confusion and disappointment that I never used to talk about. Not much anyway. I know I have changed alot during this year. I am still debating if I regret anything. I know I am upset. I know I am hurt. I know I am angry. I am still debating if I regret.
How do you decide whether or not you regret something?
I am definately still teeter-totering between the two main emotions. Music really affects how I feel and think though. Papa Roach reminds me of why I musn't, and why I decided, why I can not ever "see" Mike again. But other more "pop" songs remind me of the happiness and security that I had once experienced, as short of a period as it had been. ie: Lifehouse's "Everything"; "Where I want to be" (uh, the title is SOMETHING like that :? it definately starts with "where" though..haha); etc.
I still thank you, Ling, for that "do you think u will be happier" thing. If it weren't for that, I would prolly still be contemplating if I should get back together with him. I cannot. I will not. I still want to sometimes, but now, I remember, I remember how much I cried, how much trust I had lost, how HURT I was. Mentally and physically. I always used to mind what other ppl would feel, as a side effect of what I did. But now, this chapter in my life had taught me, that, people were right, you have to look out for yourself sometimes and be selfish.
"There was something that didn't feel right. Whenever I hugged you, you always seemed like you were going to burst into tears", said Mike. I think this was at the point when Sociology started to take its toll on me, and I was contemplating life and its miseries. And how it affected me. And how I wanted to tell him everything, but I just couldn't. I wanted to cry because I couldn't open up to him. And he made me feel worse because of that.
"I said things in an emotional fit, before I knew all of you", he said. Which I translate into, "Had I had known this side of you, I would not have wasted my time trying, knowing that you can't talk to me".
And, what side is this that some may still be wondering about? I dunno. Slowly, I will probably get it all out. But, I will just drop bits and pieces of what is on my mind.
I hate what I am becoming, currently, with this whole Mike ordeal. I am changing, in the aspect that I am not caring about him anymore, and yet I do. I care, even though I do sorta want to punch him. He's even said I can beat him up if I want to, and I prolly would want to, until I see his face and then I won't. But then I'll just turn around again and punch a wall/door.
Hmm, I should take into consideration what happened between him and his ex. He would "get back together" with her, by which I mean, see her, because they miss each other and stuff, but then, soon after, ie: next day, he would remember "all the emotional shit", and be upset again, and so would she, and blahblahblah. So, if I learn from HIS experience, it can't happen. All that "emotional shit" would come back, and I will just be upset again.
So no more. I will find myself bouncing between the emotions for another while, I PRAY it doesn't last the entire summer. Honestly, I need to move on. But I will fight it. I will fight and I will not lose this battle (hah, yes, I will phrase it like that, so maybe it will make me even wanna win more, lol). In the end, by holding out and remembering Ling's wise words, I will win. I can, and I will. I just need to prove it.
------------------------- ------------------------- --------------
Jeebus, this has been one long post. I'm sorry. I doubt many, if any ppl read past the first paragraph anymore, cause I just sound like a broken record.
If you do, I thank you for following me through some of my thoughts. I have difficulties expressing them in person; one of the reasons why Mike and I didn't work out. And one of the reasons that will forever hold me back in any relationship in my past, present, and future.
Goodnight, and please forgive me for being such an annoying kid sometimes. I need to get things out, and I can't seem to form them into verbal words. Maybe one day I can finally get my "deep dark secrets" out. lol. hopefully....one day.
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| Angry words. |
| 05.28.05 (7:46 pm) [edit] |
"Not Listening" - Papa Roach
I'm not listening
not anymore
the more I learn
the more I ignore
I'm not listening not anymore
the more I hear the more I ignore
'cause you gotta be bigger
be faster
be stronger
if you're gonna survive any longer
this lifetime better be the right time
'cause your first time might be your list time
am I a failure
if I got nothing to lose? no I'm not a failure
I've got something to prove
because I've lost my innocence
and I'm a stranger
a life changer
I'm a man
so fuck you! I've made my own plans
I've got respect
and I don't neglect the people I really care to protect
am I a failure
if I got nothing to lose? no I'm not a failure
I've got something to prove
I told you before
I won't listen no more! I told you before let's settle the score!
if not me then who?
if not now then when?
FUCK YOU MIKE. Every time you try to talk about that topic, you always make me feel like shit. And you know what? I think that is the last time I'm taking it. You say that I make you out as the bad guy, when I really think you are making ME out to be the bad guy. Stop saying shit. I can't take it anymore. I won't take it anymore. You have made me cry one too many times. I am crying now, after having just talked to you, and quite honestly, I don't think I want to talk to you anymore. It just all ends the same. You may have tried to help me fix my problems, but you make the problem WORSE, to the point where I am even more ashamed to talk about it. Fuck you, Mike, honestly. Go fuck yourself. Leave me alone. I don't need you. I don't care what you think of me, the positive and negative, the pre and post. I'm not submitting myself to you again. I will not. I did it once, I did it twice, I did it several times, but no more. Maybe if you hadn't submitted urself to ur ex-fiancee that night, I could've at least left the relationship with a bit more dignity. I don't know what you call it, but to me, you cheated. You say whatever you need to make yourself feel better, just like you tell me to. Maybe you did, maybe you didn't. Whatever. It doesn't change the fact that you did it.
You have probably changed me more than any one single person has ever changed me, some for the good (I am more productive), but some for the bad (I don't care quite as much anymore. I am not as trusting. I am not as innocent. I am not as nice.) ...And I am very angry that someone that has had that much influence on me, is someone that I no longer want to talk to anymore. You know you make me cry, so why do you do it when you SAY you care? As long as you make me feel like shit, I cannot talk to you. You changed that about me. At one point in the last year, I would talk to someone, even if they hurt me. I talked to you, listened to you, and I cried at the monitor, just to let you talk about stuff. And you had no idea. No more. I just won't let you talk. Stop telling me what to do. I won't listen. [listen to the song above]
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| uh, some Stabilo song. their current single. |
| 05.25.05 (3:30 pm) [edit] |
Alright, despite all the years that I refuse to believe that I PMSed, I have finally come to the conclusion that, I am affected by it. And I get depressed. well, I'm often sorta down anyway, but pre-period, I find myself being EXTRA down. HMM. *shrug*
That is just my observation, and I just made that conclusion just now.
:( :( ...boo PMS depression. It really makes the tears well up in my eyes. ... :(
It's not like I'm not somewhat depressed on a regular basis anyway. Biology just has to make it worse.
Ugh, back to reading.
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| "Milonga del ángel" - Astor Piazzolla |
| 05.24.05 (10:17 am) [edit] |
Does anyone recognize this piece? It is in the Royal Conservatory of Music's Grade 8 piano repertoir, in the Celebration Series.
I was supposed to be working on my reponse paper that is due in just under 10 hrs from now, but, I decided to play some piano, because I think I will be able to finish the paper by then. I just need to add another page or so (which I already have a topic to discuss), and then edit. Then finito.
So, I played my usual song, attempted "My Immortal" but it sounded bad and boring when I played it, so I moved onto a Gr 8 piece that I play every now and then, even when I was at the apartment during my second year at Uni. So anyway. I always liked the song, but when I was playing it today, I dunno, I think I was playing more...emotionally? today...or...dynamically...or...uh...more movingly? I dunno. But ANYWAY. What I am trying to get at, is that, while playing "Milonga del ángel", I really felt the music. It didn't really occur to me, until the second half (for those of you who are familiar with the piece, and is crazy enough to look for the reference) at bar 45, after the first key change. I felt that it reflected how I feel right now. Trying to get back on my feet, and showing that I am okay, but, something is not quite right. The song itself, sounds nice and sweet, but, something sounds a bit...off. I am not quite sure what, but, some what it seems like, misplaced notes. Throws off the song a bit. It's alittle bit hard to explain I guess. But, I can illustrate my last year through this song. I can pick the song apart, and say, at this bar, THIS happens in my life. You know? It's weird, because I played this song 2 years ago for my piano exam, and I just played it, and tried really hard to follow the dynamics and tempo. But now that I am no longer taking piano, I can play it however I want, however I want it to be portrayed. Minus my usual minor-ish slips, it is starting to sound really good (to me).
I guess that was a REALLY random post *-). totally out of nowhere, I start analyzing music! hah! What I really miss is the clarinet...it's been 2.5 years since I've held one and made music come out of that black, artistically and carefully constructed piece of wood. I really did like the tone I had. I think that's part of the reason why I played quietly, the way I always did. It was subtle, and I didn't blast it. hmm. Maybe I will consider purchasing one. ... although, where I will find money to buy a wood clarinet (cause i don't want plastic - it sounds too harsh...and...not the sound I want) AND a pair of rollerblades, I haven't a clue. With my 3 days a week, 8-9 hrs a day, $8.25/hr job at SC, I estimate that I will make around 3000 this summer. YIKES! I need to get a job. FAST. Once I get caught up with this paper, I think I will be able to rest, and finally get some of that stuff I wanted to get done this summer! Like re-code a program I did for an assignment for my first semester CS class. Or read some other books. Or rollerblade (once I am able to invest in a pair).
But, definately for this summer, I will not waste my time in front of the television anymore. I have found that, it IS a waste of time, it is mindless, and it just makes a person feel bad about him/herself sometimes, with all the media and stuff.
If one thing that Mike was able to change about me, was to help me see that television is a waste. Sure, I will not object to sitting down when the tv is already on, or when I am having a meal, and I turn on the TV myself. But I do not entirely randomly turn it on just to turn into a couch potato. I will be productive-ish this summer (even if I am poor). And I will learn, and engage in different activities that I want to do for myself, for once.
I have noticed that many people are changing this summer. I am one of them. And, this will be for another post, at another time when I am done my response, but I want to discuss something I learnt in Sociology 172b. The nature and nurture. I sometimes think that I am more on the nature side, even though sometimes things I say and do, would make it think that I am more on the nurture side. ANYWAY, I will stop here, otherwise this can just go on...
Sorry about the long post, for those few who follow my annoying, boring life.
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| Moving on. Or trying to. This is the beginning. |
| 05.19.05 (6:12 pm) [edit] |
Thanks, Roomie....uh...I don't have a number for you...Let's go with #1 for now, since u're the first one living there :wink:
In our recent MSN conversation (after my DAYS of not being on MSN) about moving on with our lives, she asks me:
Do you think you would be happier than before? If not, don't waste your time, just move on.
(Or something to that effect)
Thanks. No, really, Thanks. This is a new perspective that I hadn't seen before. I suppose, it would temporarily satisfy my need to talk to him, but, like certain things, it is only a temporary fix.
[copy and pasted from our conversation, this was my answer]
I don't think I WOULD be happier, especially after all this that happened. I don't think it would be possible.
I have experienced. I have hurt. I have cried. I have learnt (I hope). And when I fully heal, I know I will be stronger. More aware. Less naive. Less trusting (unfortunately). I will be a different me. But I will (hopefully) be smarter.
[end message]
Earlier today, well, prolly only a couple of hours today, I thought about MSN, and how I can actually live without it. Even though I really wanted to turn it on, and was tempted so many times to sign in.
I wanted MSN, but I didn't need MSN.
Consider if I had typed instead of the S with my left ring finger, i typed with my left pinky. I'd have a different word. But, it still holds true.
I can survive with what I have, minus MSN. It all depends on how strong your willpower is.
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| "Look What You've Done" - Jet |
| 05.18.05 (8:31 am) [edit] |
Your Birthdate: December 20 |
Your birth on the 20th day of the month adds a degree of emotion, sensitivity, and intuition to your reading.
The 2 energy provided here is very social, allowing you to make friends easily and quickly.
Yet you are apt to have a rather nervous air in the company of a large group.
You have a warmhearted nature and emotional understanding that constantly seeks affection.
You are very prone to become depressed and moody, as emotions can turn inward and cause anxiety and mental turmoil.
It can be hard for you to bounce back to reality when depression sets in.
When things are going well, you can go just as far the other way and become extremely affectionate. |
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| piece of craaaap. |
| 05.17.05 (1:10 pm) [edit] |
Bruised again.
Will my frustration ever go away? OMG. I can't stand being like this. I'm at home, dwelling on the past, present, and potential future.
I was on my way upstairs after breakfast to start my day of reading for class again, and decided to play the piano first. I played my usual song. And, for some reason, each time I play it, I get angry. I think, because it is not true. ("pop" song with lyrics). And when I was done my session, I went upstairs, and punched the wall out of anger. (FYI, I think I could easily punch a hold thru a (dry)wall if I wanted to :? ) And then punched my door when I got to my room.
Anyway, I only blogged this, because, I guess I am looking for help. Help to get over this stupidness, this pettiness. I can't seem to stop looking at the past. And getting upset over what and how things happened. UGH.
Help, either advice on what I can do to stop thinking about all this, or, how I can change things. or. Something. Or just a friend. I've been locked in my house mostly reading on crappy cultural traditions, involving burning wives/daughter-in-laws if they did not recieve a sufficient dowry, and other weird/crazy traditions. OMG. I just can't believe alotta things. Nor do I want to.
"The more I learn, the more I ignore. Not listening, not anymore." - Not listening, Papa Roach
If only I COULD ignore all that I learn. I often forget, but, it is stored SOMEWHERE at the back of my brain, where it will eventually make its way to where I remember certain things that make me upset. Eventually.
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| I'm avoiding MSN until I am caught up in my Anthro readings |
| 05.15.05 (1:41 pm) [edit] |
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And thus, since I have not really talked to anyone outside of work, I have read alot, and listened to music while I was not reading.
I know I have posted the lyrics to these songs before, but I want to post them again, with a few emphasized lines.
"Scars" - Papa Roach ( Getting away with Murder, track 8)
I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
and I just want to be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
why don't you just go home?
I've channeled all your pain
I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane
all I can say is:
I tear my heart open
I sew myself shut
my weakness is that I care too much
our scars remind us the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
I tried to help you once
against my own advice
I saw you goin' down
but you never realised
that you're drowning in the water
So I offered my hand
compassion is in my nature
tonight is our last stand
I can't help you fix yourself
but at least I can say I tried
sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
"Sometimes" - Papa Roach ( Getting away with Murder, track 9)
I'm dreamin' about tomorrow
and I'm thinkin' of yesterday
I consume myself in sorrow this moment in time is what I betray
I am searching for the answers
I look around sometimes I get sad
cause I don't know which way to go
I look around sometimes I get sad
cause my life is spinning out of control
I never know what you want
I never know what you need
it was different from the start
when you cut me in two I never thought I would bleed
I will go this alone
I don't need nobody's help
I've got to do this myself
Alone!
uh, alright, as I look over what I bolded, it's pretty much the whole song.
oh well.
Our scars remind us that the past is real - I suppose this is in response to one of my "recent" posts, when I wondered if any of what happened, REALLY happened. Though it has been over a month, for some reason, my bruises are still visible, when I punched my closet door several times for several days out of anger and frustration. I have always been so-called vicious, but I usually don't really cause any damage to anyone. But if I do, then I must really be angry if I actually did anything. And so, I know that the past is real because that is shown by my bruises.
I am just in a phase now, where I'm just up one minute, down another. (I wonder if it's possible to have only a mild form/case of bi-polar depression? ) But, once I get down, I usually stay down. I wanna cry. But, there is no real good reason anymore, I suppose. I'm still angry. I'm still sad. But, I am now just reminiscing about our past. And it makes me really sad. And so many things just make me wanna cry. Usually at work. Or, just when I'm around people. Plus, reading for my Anthro class makes me think about relationships in general, and about life. Alotta stuff. I suppose it's not as bad as Sociology, but, we've only scratched the surface in the class, so, we'll see what happens in a month.
Back to Anthro and avoiding MSN. I can be reached at home and at work if I'm not at home and on my cell if I'm not at work. (Steph, SHREK NIGHT!!!...tomorrow...hehe)
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| "All In All" - Lifehouse |
| 05.11.05 (11:09 am) [edit] |
Standing on top of the edge it feels like it's going down
Everything stays in my mind feeling in a daze on the ground
Feels like it's gonna give life's to hard to live anymore
I think I've had enough things too tough
I'm out the door
All in all it's just another day now
You're falling down
What you gonna do
Standing on top of the world tonight
No ones looking back at you
Stand tall
It's going on
It's going on
It's gonna be just fine
You're holding on
Holding on today
Things don't stop and the others announced they're moving on
Salt & tears in the minds in the mouths of a bad decision
Too late for another mistake it's bringing me down
With all your faults it isn't your fault
What's going on
All in all it's just another day now
You're falling down
What you gonna do
Standing on top of the world tonight
No ones looking back at you
Stand tall
It's going on
It's going on
It's gonna be just fine
You're holding on
Holding on today
So you lost yourself
So you lost your way
Found life through someone else
But you threw it all away
All in all it's just another day now
You're falling down
What you gonna do
Standing on top of the world tonight
No ones looking back at you
Stand tall
It's going on
It's going on
It's gonna be just fine
You're holding on
Holding on today
Times rolling on
Rolling on today
It's going on
Going on today
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I finally found the lyrics to the latest Lifehouse album. I'm reading them, and I really like them, but, I'm still not SUPER into the songs, only because I can't hear the singer sing the words! it's kinda mumbly/slurred....but, the music is awesome, and the lyrics are awesome, even if I can't hear them. lol. I'll just hafta learn them myself and singing it LOUD at the concert :wink:
So, I am currently procrastinating, so, whatelse to do but to blog? haha.
I will continue what I started to say in my last post. Something that I've noticed, and is an "idea" of some stuff.
I've always used my short attention span and lack of memory as an excuse for stuff. But, the more I think about it, the more I think it REALLY hinders what I do. Like, when I WANT to think about stuff, I never think ENOUGH about it, because my mind wanders to another topic or something. It's retarded! really! So, here I have all these fragmented ideas and stuff in my mind, but, they're not complete, "well developed" thoughts, cause I never finish thinking about it. I think that contributes to my lack of opinion on stuff. I dunno. Maybe this is yet another excuse. But, seriously. I wish I had more of a "backbone" as one other has discovered recently. But, even without one, I am still not as happy as they were. I don't think I ever will be, with or without one. I dunno. *shrug*
So, unless it's something short/shallow that it is that I need to think about, I don't think I can ever really think about it to the extent needed to reach my own opinion. I think that also contributes to my gullible-ness? I don't think enough to see the other sides/views. And my trust in other people. That definately contributes to my gullible-ness. But lately, I question alotta people. And what they really want. It makes me quite bitter. And I don't enjoy it.
It is now time for me to go back to trying to develop my own thoughts and opinions on my Anthro class: Feminist Perspectives. oy. I have the feeling this is gonna be a tough 3 months. for one, I'm already behind. and second, my inability to develop my own thoughts and opinions are gonna make this process more difficult.
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| "Days Go By" - Lifehouse |
| 05.09.05 (5:55 pm) [edit] |
I am slowly prepping myself for the Lifehouse concert that I will be attending with fellow coworkers, Steph, Tyrone, and Lillian. hah. I like their music, but, I'm listening to their latest album, and I am finding it difficult to REALLY get into their songs. Like, it's really really good chill music, but, because I can't hear half the words the singer is saying, I can't sing with it! and it's not highly melodic music, so, I can't really hum much. *sigh*. Oh well, I'm still looking forward to an enjoyable evening with friends/coworkers and good music.
I had stuff to say earlier today...I can't quite remember right now.
But, asides from those "deep" thoughts that occupied my mind today (revolved around "life"), I saw "Sahara" today in an empty theatre with Steph today! lol. I must promote watching movies in the middle of the day. Cause you get the theatre to yourself (or almost to yourself), and who ever you go with. lol. It's awesome! You can laugh and talk to your hearts content (unless your fellow movie-goer is one of those people who like to watch in silence and not say anything or laugh). :wink:
The movie was alright. It prolly would've been more enjoyable if I didn't hafta pee halfway thru the movie! lol.
So. I really had some more thought provoking things to discuss. But, I am currently tired and sleepy and trying not to get sick, and I really can't remember right now. oh, although, I thnk one of them had to do with my short attention span (thought provoked by a license plate starting with "ADHD" and then that led to a series of ideas and thoughts that led to my short attention span thing, which led to ideas and thoughts of why I seem to have so much trouble with alotta stuff, including thinking, overall.)
Anyway, I'm gonna go to bed; whether I sleep or not, that is another thing. I may start reading my book for my distance course in Anthropology. *shrug*
G'nite.
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| "Dreaming of you" - Selena |
| 05.06.05 (6:14 am) [edit] |
I haven't heard this song in a while; it's on the radio right now.
I just wanted to mention a couple of dreams I remember having last night (cause that doesn't happen often, that I remember them. lol)
Dream #1: I went on yet another trip with the 311 roomies, somewhere in the states again. I dunno what we intended to do, maybe just sight see and shop? I dunno. But, we went to ALOT of diff. hotels, and at one point, I couldn't remember where our hotel room was, and, by the time I circled the floor that I THOUGHT it was on (which turned out to be the right floor when Jenna came out of the elevator), I realised that I didn't even have the key to get into the room. :roll: That was a random dream. :S
Dream #2: I dunno, perHAPS this dream was connected to the previous? I haven't a clue. But anyway, it was pretty awesome. I was at some concert (orchestral/piano?), and, the master of ceremonies guy (I think I knew him in the dream), and he handed me a clarinet to play (while I'm still sitting in the audience). And the pianist started playing a song, and it sounded familiar, but I couldn't quite tell what song it was. But,I could tell when I was supposed to start playing, and I just randomly played a b-flat concert C, and I just played notes that sounded right, and I realised after 3-4 notes that I was playing "Unchained Melody". hah, it sounded really good, mostly cause the clarinet was REALLY nice. kinda weird though, cause the reid wasn't wood, it was translucent white plastic! and the rest of the clarinet was a REALLY nice wood. heh.
And then my alarm went off. But I turned it off, and returned to the dream, and I was just sitting there holding the clarinet afterwards. aww, I miss playing the clarinet. I really like the sound. :D
so yup, I feel like I had another dream about someone, but, perhaps it was an earlier dream, so I don't remember it. But I FEEL like I did. *shrug*
Anyway. So there's a lighter post compared to my previous posts! :D lol
Let's try to find me a job today!!!
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| "24" - Switchfoot |
| 05.05.05 (4:57 pm) [edit] |
You know, it's interesting, how I read different people's blogs. And, everyone's opinions are SOO different sometimes, despite their similarities in material/physical/tangibl e interests. Like, I mean, specifically, when it comes to personal problems and such, some think, that, you should talk about it, do not bottle. Some say, don't tell anyone, just let the issue pass, or work it out on your own. I mean, I always swung towards the bottling-up-everything "method". And in recent events, I have been told that I should not bottle, that I should talk to ppl. But then, also, other people will say, keep things to urself, you can work them out yourself over time, or the problem will just work itself out, given time and patience. So, what on Earth is one to do?
Oy. People I know, people I don't know; it's quite strange. I suppose, it depends on ur own person/character, which "method" you choose to take. (I don't think "method" is the right word, hence all the quotations...).
But, I fear that no matter what way I choose, the opposingly viewed people (uh, I think you know what I mean) will disagree, and think you're weak (I'm weak) for giving into that particular "method" of dealing with problems. Oish.
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| "Be Free" - Papa Roach |
| 05.03.05 (6:09 pm) [edit] |
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It's been an alright day. Saw "Kung Fu Hustle" with Steph today. There were 3 ppl in the entire theatre. It was AWESOME! The two of us, and this old lady. lol. but yeah. I suggested that Steph and I take up Kung Fu this summer, and we won't need a gym membership or equipment - we just need some sticks. And we can prolly get it from work. She can take the mop, and I'll take the broom. :lol:
So, I'm sitting here, browsing thru the distance studies website thing. And, It is slowly dawning on me that, I have HW to do this summer. ugh.
WARNING: the following contains some angry swearing. Sorry about that in advance.
I have this one line from the title song in my head "Sick and tired of being sick and tired", and the more I repeat it in my head, the more I realise that I really am sick and tired of being sick and tired of waiting for something to happen with this whole Mike situation. Fuck it, I am clearly waiting for nothing. I messed up somewhere along the way, and so did he. And, I don't know if he iwas waiting for me to do something about it, or if he just doesn't care. But you know what? I need to stop this stupid game that I'm playing with, apparently, myself. It ain't getting nowhere. And the more I think about it, the more it eats at me. And honestly, it just pisses me off more and more. I am still very sad all this happened. And even a month after the fact, I still cry about it. And I probably still will, even after this "epiphany"-like realization. But, I realise it now. And, even if this whole process takes me a freakin year, I will get thru it. I don't need someone I cannot talk to, cannot rely on, and cannot fully trust. Fuck it. IF he ever msgs me, fine. But, I am not gonna wait around anymore, and I am not gonna try msging him anymore if I have no really good reason.
The more I think about it, the more I wonder if all of that happened. A buddy of mine wonders how/why someone who's older, and has a PhD is interested in him, and I wonder the same about me. How/why did Mike ever like me, when he has been, and can be so sucessful? Like, someone SOO smart, LIKE someone like me? Sometimes I just think he made all that shit up. You can keep on telling me that you're telling the honest truth, but, I honestly cannot trust what you say, and have said to me in the past. Fuck you, Mike, FUCK YOU. I think I have gotten over that sad period, and I am just in that angry stage after a breakup. Oh boy, I wonder what is next?
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| Truth |
| 05.01.05 (9:51 pm) [edit] |
I moved out of the apartment and into the new house today. It was exciting, alot of people helped, and THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH for ALL of your help! It would've taken the 3 of us a week to do all that work! :)
I had another mission this weekend. It failed though. I made a couple of CDs for Mike, of some chinese songs that I thought he'd like, sort of like, a sampler CD. And, once he knows the artist's name, he can go find more music by him/her/them. But, partly, I was making it for an excuse to see him to give it to him. I was hoping to exchange the CD and textbook, and maybe bring closure to our relationship. I still feel that it went down WAY worse than it had to. I really wanted to see him. But when I finally realised that I really missed my chance, I almost cried in the parking lot at the apt. Thanks Cat, for coming up this weekend, I dunno if I would've made it home if you weren't there with me.
I told him that it wasn't that important, that I could mail it. But, I can't mail ME, can I? lol... I just, I dunno. wanna, apologize, make sure we're okay, set ground rules as friends. And, even though, we discuss it online, it just doesn't feel "official". I really feel like I need to hear it from him, and to say it to him. For it to be FINAL. But until then, I think I will continue being a wreck. I don't know if it's noticable, but I am trying to hide it. Obviously. Being at home forces me to do that.
... I want to be in London. At my new house. Try to start new and better. And stronger. Different.
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