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*HUGS* TOTAL! give Smilez_Alwayz more *HUGS*
Get hugs of your own
"Smile" - Tamia
06.30.05 (7:04 pm)   [edit]

Your Deadly Sins

Sloth: 100%

Envy: 20%
Gluttony: 20%
Greed: 20%
Lust: 20%
Pride: 20%
Wrath: 20%
Chance You'll Go to Hell: 31%
You will die while sleeping - and no one will notice.




hehe, yes, I am DEFINATELY Sloth-like :D




Your Expression Number is 6
You have an outstanding sense of responsibility, love, and balance.
You are helpful and inclined to comfort those in need.
You have many artistic and creative talents, but you only use them to better others.

You are loving, friendly, and appreciative of others.
You have a depth of understanding that produces much kindness and generosity.
Openness and honesty are apparent in your approach to all relationships.

Sometimes, you can be too demanding of yourself.
At times, you tend to sacrifice yourself for the welfare of others.
At other times, you have trouble distinguishing between helping and interfering.




hmm, most are pretty accurate, except maybe that openness and honesty one...I'm sure at least one person will argue this one...*sigh*....*shrug*
0 Comments
 
I made it to the weekend and survived!
06.26.05 (11:26 am)   [edit]
What a night!
Straight after work, I picked Hong and Thanos up, then drove back to my house, where I quickly showered (I did not wanna drive for 1.75 hours smelling like coffee and syrup) and packed everything up for London. The drive there (and back) was pretty good; great weather, and good stories told by The Greek.

At the house in London, we discovered the REALLY fun trampoline, and realised how VERY comfortable it is at 2am and you just lay on it in the cool (and u can't SEE the bugs, but sometimes u can feel it, but it could also just be ur own paranoia) night and look up at the stars and talk about random stuff, and wondering when the pizza guy was gonna show up with food. hehe.

ohoh, I met Evan (roomate) and his friend Darren, and at some point before we all headed out for Jacks (bar/club in London), the duo played "serenaded" us with Lifehouse's "You and Me" and, DAMN they're GOOD! lol. I can now see why Kay and Ling are obsessed with that song now. lol. Darren's a great singer, and they're great guitar players. Evan sang harmony as well, which is always awesome :). They played some other songs as well afterwards, but Lifehouse was DEFINATELY good. we didn't get a chance to watch the DVD of the Lifehouse concert that night, but I left it with Kay at the house. I hope they watch it!! hehe.

I tried some new drinks, some fireball with coke (it is GOOD! but it's weird, cause i don't like cinnamon), bailey's with coffee (mmmmmmmmmMMM!!, it was sure better than dooley's toffee liquer with coffee), and amaretto sour. hmm, Next time I really need to ask if they have the pineapple malibu, it's so much better than the original coconut with OJ. oh well! still good anyway.

So yeah, at Jacks, some of us hung out upstairs where the live band was. I think Evan and Darren should try getting a gig there; I think they're good enough! although, I wonder if they know enough repertoire to play for over 3 hrs! dang, those ppl are troopers! 3 guitarists and a drummer (who only had a snare and cymbals) were playing when we got there before 11, and were still there when we left at 2ish. They took a few breaks, but still! taht's nuts!
Anyway, we sat there for most of the time, and listened to some music and talked about randomness. I learned the language of "elite speak" (or, something like that). Apparently anyone who plays CounterStrike should know it, and generally, gamers and CS ppl should know it anyway. Haha, so I finally learned. It's basically, replacing certain letters with certain numbers. Not difficult. I've seen it before. I just didn't know it was actually an official language that I was supposed to know. hehe. Lol, there were some pretty good CS jokes told (none by me of course), and it must've been oh so boring for everyone except Thanos and I, cause we're the only ones who got them. lol. ahh, good times.
Jenna and Dana came at some point, but I didn't get a chance to give them Amy's gifts in person. I just left them at the house, because Dana was dropping by later to go for Dim Sum with Kay. So I knew she'd pick them up. heh, Dana's bf's friend (one of the two) was pretty cute, I found, but, after like, 20 minutes, I found out he's like, 19 or younger. I thought he'd be the same age as Dana's bf, but apparently not. *shrug*

I'm proud for my not calling M--- up though. I thought about it a few times, and caught myself, thinking, what good can come out of this? So, I didn't. Well done Mandy, well done. lol. I really wonder what's gonna happen in September. I obviously am not talking to him (he's not my list and I'm not gonna email him), and he is apparently not talking to me either. So, I may be caught really off guard in class next year. :? *sigh* summer is almost half over. we're all surviving. I'm anticipating the new school year, and as usual, fearing it, ALOT. Maybe even more than I ever did. Just different scenarios this time, I suppose. *shrug* I'm starting as a different person than last year. It will be different. I will be different.
1 Comments
 
I am not functioning like a human today
06.23.05 (4:22 pm)   [edit]
After the 6th straight day of work, I am deteriorating quickly already. Though I don't think I looked or overtly seemingly acted tired, I think I was. On numerous occasions, I gave the wrong change to the customer. I'm so glad for honest people.
On the drive home, I had my music up (Papa Roach), but, I didn't feel like I could hear it. And, it got so loud at a point that I could hear the LOUD, but the music wasn't there.
I should not have been driving today. I semi-contemplated if I should bus home from work, but my sister needed the car this evening.
I almost rear-ended a car today. I slammed on the brakes and my tires made that skidding sound, and the guy in front of me looked in his mirror, and everyone prolly wondered what the hell was going on, becaues there was prolly still plenty of space in front of me to not have to brake the way I did, but I just wasn't paying attention and I thought I was gonna hit him.
I was just so incredibly out of it today. I hope a day off will fix me. I'm still pretty out of it. I took a nap after I showered after work (which I stayed an extra hour after I got off so I could read, because I KNEW I'd sleep as soon as I got home and not do work). Before I eventually fell asleep, I reflected on the day, and how I messed up so many times. Honest ppl are always the nice ppl. And nice ppl are often taken advantage of. And those are the ppl who always end up getting hurt. In any situation. Playing nice doesn't always mean you get the better end of the stick.

I know what I did wrong. I was too nice. Too forgiving. But, how does a person change that aspect of their personality? Either, you become like every other person who doesn't give a shit about the next person and only care about themselves and their own welfare, or you stay as you are, and get really hurt along the way, just for being a nice person.

I saw two of our regular customers, and I got so sad. And lonely. A friend asked the other day, about another friend, how she doesn't want to date again yet. And I tried to explain how even a person wants to, they may not, because they are so scared, and scarred from a previous experience, of being used and cheated on. I admit, I am so incredibly lonely right now, I really want someone to be with, to share happiness with, to be able to meet up randomly for coffee in the middle of the day just to see each other. But I am so beyond scared, and still hurting, that I am retreating back into who I was a year ago.

I know I shouldn't fear something that might not even happen, but, it's hard. Things from the past always hold me back from moving forward.

I look forward to sleep, but, not really. I always end up crying when I start thinking about stuff (or continuing the thinking). That quiet, solitary time allows too much space for reflecting. And lately, I've been crying randomly alot, still about the same shit. I can't seem to help it. I almost cried at work out of pure frustration today. I was so close to punching Tyrone again. He gave me the "invite" to hit him, and omg, it's like wanting to eat an entire cup of whipped cream, but you know you shouldn't, so you don't. I SOOO wanted to punch that boy. Honestly. He gives me so much shit sometimes, and I don't even know why. Why do some ppl have to be such smartasses? I had to leave the front, and I went to the back to vent, and I had to punch something, so I turned to the solid-ish steel door in the back office.


"Getting Away With Murder" -Papa Roach
Somewhere beyond happiness and sadness
I need to calculate
What creates my own madness
And I'm addicted to your punishment
And you're the master
And I am waiting for disaster
...

I drink my drink and I don't even want to
I think my thoughts when I don't even need to
I never look back cause I don't even want to
And I don't need to
Because I'm getting away with murder
...


------

anyway, I don't think I would ever be able to handle work that requires alotta responsibility. I would TOTALLY be one of those people who brings work home with them,a nd be a workaholic or something. And I cannot mentally handle it. 2 days without the owner, and being psuedomanager is KILLING me already.
2 Comments
 
Who the EF turned off the fridge?!?
06.22.05 (2:10 pm)   [edit]
Okay, I'll admit, that, this is STRAIGHT copy and paste from an email i wrote an hour ago, but only because I should be READING. :

Omg, I'll be suprised if I make it back alive this weekend. or, even make it TO the weekend to go to London. Work is CRAZY cause the owner/manager just went to LA for some Convention?!? No idea what for, I think it has to do with business. *shrug* But yeah, without really saying it, I think he just sorta put me in charge, and some mofo turned off the fridge and I FREAKED when I found out that the fridge wasn't cold that had ALOT of milk in it. OMG. If I find out someone turned it off on purpose, I will .. I dunno what I'm gonna do. Cry maybe? GRRRRR :@ hah, sorry, I'm venting anger right now.

----
and to add:
When Tyrone came into work and saw that I attempted to keep the fridge cool with buckets of ice, he laughed and made fun of me. I mean, GIVE ME A BREAK!! What ELSE does a person do when the fridge is found OFF half filled with milk!??! JEEBUS!!! And I called the fridge company, and they said since it's outta warranty, they can't help me; so they gave me the number of a reliable servicing guy, so i called him, and then there was this whole thing with how we were gonna pay him, and blahblahblah. ANYWAY. Long story short, Tyra REALLY pissed me off, and OMG, honest to goodness, I would've punched him right then and there if he said another word. And I had this HUGE urge just to punch him in the face. So I had to leave the backroom (where he saw the buckets of ice and made fun of me). I was frustrated with all the work and stress, I didn't need coworkers to add to that.

AND THEN, he calls me at home, and asks if it was off this mornign, and i said yes, and then he's like, well, i found a POWER BUTTON on the top of the fridge (where I cannot see) and turned it back on. So, most likely, more than now, someone, turned the fridge off last night. And we can only think of one person who would've done that. and why would he do that, I asked, and tyrone said, i dunno, cause he thought it'd be cool?!?? FUCKIN BASTARD! If his idea of playing a joke on me the DAY the owner leaves the country, IT'S NOT FUNNY! I was REALLY close to tears at certain points! I had orders to do, I had the fridge and the milk and other stuff to worry about! OMG! I can't handle this kinda work stress!

I swear, boys are NOT on my good side these days. I am ready to hit one REALLY soon. Or cry. In front of them. Sometimes, jokes can go too far, boys, and I just can't handle it. And, as evil as it is, if crying is what I need to do, I will do it (although, it's not like I can control something like that. when the waterfalls come, they will pour).

I am so moodswingy these days, I can't take it. I'm so frustrated. And my body is breaking down on me - my knee randomly started hurting today, so it hurt to work, and my legs are so tired from standing for like, 9 hours serving a constant stream of customers, and arms keep on hitting things, therefore getting bruised. I want the moodswingy-ness to stop! agh! One day, I'm fine, the next, I'm sad, the next, I'm angry as hell, then I'm back to sad, or whatever. Right now, I'm ANGRY and sad. And kinda angry because I'm sad about this one particular thing. And frustrated because of all this! AGH! Sometimes, I just wish I didn't have a heart. Then I wouldn't feel. Then I can just focus with what little bit of a brain that I have.

So, if any of my male coworkers read this, stop horsing around. I'm gonna blow up at you soon. I'm that hot cup of water you wish you didn't spill. Tip it over, and you're BURNED.
1 Comments
 
"Behind These Hazel Eyes" - Kelly Clarkson
06.16.05 (3:04 pm)   [edit]

My chronic speeding has failed me. 

I can't help it though! I'm slow in everything else, I gotta be fast SOMEWHERE. Lol, I know, that's a pitiful excuse... Yet in someways true.
I'm so bitter about the examiner too. He is what Amy calls, passive aggressive.  GRR.

Hmm, I'm really considering getting Kelly Clarkson's latest album...
"You will never see the tears I've cried"

2 Comments
 
"Broken" - Seether Feat. Amy Lee
06.15.05 (3:11 pm)   [edit]
It must be PMS-depression-phase again. :cry:

You know, I was trying to read, and of course, my short attention span brought my mind elsewhere that wasn't about female circumsicion (SOOO creepy..:?) for my Anthro class.



Anyway. So, I was thinking, that, perhaps, loneliness isn't the worst feeling in the world. I think being used in a "relationship" is even worse. I think it has destroyed me. EVERYTHING that happened, I am now analyzing, and realised, if only I had been more cautious, or rational, and less of a push-over or whatever, I would've seen it so much earlier. And stopped any chance of this ever happening. If only I didn't fear what I had thought was the worst feeling in the world (being lonely). I'm just sitting here, a tear rolling for everything I let him do, thinking that I was okay with it. No. No, it really WASN'T OKAY! I kept saying it was. That I was okay with everything. Even though he knew it wasn't okay, he did it anyway, because I said it. Stupid me. Stupid compassionate me. Honestly, I hate it. But I would hate it if I wasn't; if I was cold and didn't care about other people, I think I would hate myself even more than I already do. Maybe I am just saying this out of PMS depression, or out of "fresh" wounds, but, I really do think his using and cheating on me totally destroyed any chance of a future I could've potentially had with any other person. I trusted him so much...and I trusted every word. He made me think he was different, and special, compared to the typical asshole guy you hear about. But come to think about it, there are many stories of guys who make u think are different than other guys, and in the end, just turns around and hurts you.

"I will never hurt you" said he, one conversation, back in late December
"You can promise someone that you don't want to hurt them; You can promise someone that you will never try to hurt them; But you can never promise that you won't hurt them" was my response.
Perhaps, he was just ignorant to what can and won't hurt a girl. But, if any outside person looked at the situation, and he was thinking straight, anyone would see that there was no possible way for me not to have been hurt by his actinos. How could he not? HOW? *tear* :cry:


I want to be over this. I want to erase everything that happened. A person doesn't deserve this kind of pain to experience happiness. I don't think anyone does. All I did was try to help him thru his unhappiness. I did it in the wrong way, obviously, but, why did he have to do THIS to me. I had done nothing less of trying to make him happy and not to worry about anything. What did I do to deserve this? :cry: Whatever it was, I will try to change; I don't wanna feel like this forever.

And the whole time, the whole fucking time, he was using me. That hurt the most. I think being used is the worst feeling in the world.
11 Comments
 
"Done With You" - Papa Roach
06.13.05 (7:22 pm)   [edit]
At work today, one of our regular customers come in, and I already have his coffee all ready for him, poured into a cup, on the counter for him. And he says, "I think I'll have a tea today". And I'm like, "seriously"? And he just looks at me all serious. I can't tell if he's serious or not. In the entire, I dunno, 2ish years I've known him, he had gotten a large coffee, used to be Medium roast, but I slowly switched him to Dark (haha, I suggested it to him last summer).
So anyway, I figure out that he was joking. And I say "I can't tell! I'm really gullible!" and he says, "really? so you believe everything a guy tells you?" and I just shrug, and say, "pretty much" (and kinda look away). And I continue, "well, I think I'm just a really trusting person, so I believe pretty much everything anyone says" (unless it is blatently a joke/lie). The customer goes, "well, actually, I kinda feel sorry for you", and I'm like, "yeah...it kinda sucks...". And I look away again, sorta just leaving it up in the air. And at this points, he asks if I'm Japanese (I'm not quite sure why), but then we launch into a conversation about languages and stuff. It was interesting.

So the point of this post was the first half of our conversation. I am too trusting of a person. I always see the good in people, and I assume, since I don't do anything to hurt them, they wouldn't do anything to hurt me, or lie to me. So I just believe whatever they tell me. I mean, why would someone lie to someone they don't know? I just don't understand that. The world is evil out there, crawling with mean/evil/bad people. But I like to believe that they don't exist around me. It keeps me smiling and not wall-punching angry.


-----

okay, so, I'm gonna stop posting all the lyrics here. Well, maybe once in a while I will, but for now, I've been listening to alot of Papa Roach. Seriously, their latest album, "Getting away with murder" is like, my entire life since turning 20. (ie, half a year, lol). So, many of my titles will be their songs. (I should get their other albums, I like their music, even if the lyrics didn't hit home). So if you care, you can go look up the lyrics to the title songs. I want to be able to write music like that though, and not just ballad-y piano music. :^)
0 Comments
 
"Best Of You" - Foo Fighters
06.11.05 (4:22 pm)   [edit]
I’ve got another confession to make
I’m your fool
Everyone’s got their chains to break
Holdin’ you

Were you born to resist or be abused?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Are you gone and onto someone new?
I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn’t have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can’t choose
I swear I’ll never give in
I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Oh...

Oh...Oh...Oh...Oh...

Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
The life, the love
You die to heal
The hope that starts
The broken hearts
You trust, you must
Confess

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

I’ve got another confession my friend
I’m no fool
I’m getting tired of starting again
Somewhere new

Were you born to resist or be abused?
I swear I’ll never give in
I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Oh...

------------------------- -----------------------

I feel used. No, I was used. Definately. I've thought about it. And that is my conclusion. All those excuses to hide the truth. But now that I've stepped away from the situation, I see it. I am hurt that someone did that to me. And I just let it. I was blinded. No more. I gotta watch my back (haha, Kay). Please help me (this is generally to anyone who reads this, and know me), especially if I am ever blinded by anything again. I must always listen to my head. Morals and first gut feeling is always the best way to go. Once in my lifetime (that I remember) that I go against those two, and this is what I got in return. Lesson learned. Now let's try to move on. I don't know if I will forget; I don't even know if I will forgive. Myself, him, I don't know. Both? He took advantage of my compassionate nature. That wasn't cool. Not at all.
5 Comments
 
"Lying From You" - Linkin park
06.10.05 (8:06 am)   [edit]
...
I remember what they taught to me
remember condescending talk
of who I ought to be
remember listening to all of that
and this again
so I pretended up a person who was fitting in
and now you think this person
really is me and I'm
[trying to bend the truth]
but the more I push
the more I'm pulling away
'cause I'm
lying my way from you
this isn't what I wanted to be
I never thought that what I said
would have you running from me
like this
the very worst part of you
the very worst part of you
is me

-----------------------

Falling from rollerblading had an initial shock of GREAT pain. But it was bearable when I stood up and dust off my hands and butt. My hand bled a bit. I poured some water on it to wash away the dirt, felt the stinging throb, and kept on pressing on. Two days later, I realise I probably strained/hurt some more muscles than I initially thought. And so if you see me limping, I'm just trying to accomodate for the pain I feel. It's not that bad though. Physical pain goes away. I can handle physical pain. I prefer it over the other pain. At least with physical, (I think) I appear tougher.

Falling from that temporary high I felt a few months ago, still hurts, and the pain still lies within me. It keeps sneaking up on me. Emotional pain always takes alot longer to heal. It affects who you are; it changes you. I still can't believe how it all happened. I am just lonely now. When I go to bed, I can imagine, and feel his once-caring self beside me, and I am in his once-safe arms. I need to stop that. He is no longer safe, not to me.


"From the Inside" - Linkin Park
Don't know who to trust
no surprise
Everyone feels so far away from me
Heavy thoughts sift through dust
and the lies

Trying not to break
But I'm so tired of this deceit
Every time I try to make myself get back up on my feet
All I ever think about is this
All the tiring time between
And how
Trying to put my trust in you
Just takes so much out of me

I take everything from the inside
And throw it all away
'Cause I swear/For the last time
I won't trust myself with you

Tention is building inside
Steadily
Everyone feels so far away from me
Heavy thoughts forcing their way
Out of me

I won't trust myself with you
I won't waste myself on you
waste myself on you
you

-------

You know who "you" is.
0 Comments
 
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