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| Take the fricken hint already. |
| 10.29.05 (5:30 pm) [edit] |
"I'll take everything from the inside and throw it all away"
If you still try to talk to me, I don't know why. Who would want to talk to such a bitch? I mean, that's what I've been to you for the past few weeks. Why would anyone want to try to talk to someone who practically ignores them (on the surface)? You have better things to do, and more important people to network with. I'm useless in your plans in life, so why are you wasting your fucking precious time?
I feel alone. No one's home. I want to spend time with someone. I wanna cuddle with someone. I want to feel wanted. And not just for my "problem solving skills".
It can't be "him" though. As much as I still sort of want it to be him, it can't. It simply can't.
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13 Comments
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| "Santa Monica" - Theory of a Deadman |
| 10.20.05 (6:12 pm) [edit] |
There's a boy in two of my classes that I found kinda cute from the first day of school (actually, he looked familiar, and the longer i looked at him to try to figure out where I saw him before, the more cute I found him. I still haven't figuerd out why he looks familiar). We conversed a bit in the last two days because of some assignments in both classes. I saw him sneak peeks at me in class a few times today. (He usually sits in the row in front of me, one seat over) heh. He's asian too. His parents are from Guangdong (I learnt this in class when everyone had to do "ice breakers" and tell everyone where their parents were from).
Too bad he's in my program. and he's in my classes. and I recently discovered to never even think about "trying anything" with people in my classes or that I may potentially have classes with. and he smokes. and I have loose plans of becoming a nun.
lol :Þ
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5 Comments
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| interesting thing I thought of yesterday |
| 10.18.05 (2:32 pm) [edit] |
you know. before that whole thing that disrupted my life earlier this year, maybe I never felt before. i was randomly walking around my room yesterday (I think i got up to do something, but forgot what, or came back to my room and didn't rememebr what i was gonna do...i do that often), and I guess I was just thinking about people. And how I feel about them. Lately, I had felt more "love" (or even just a sense that they care) from people, and I don't know if it's just randomly all happening at the same time, or I'm just starting to see it now. I think after what happened, and though I don't know if it was genuine care/love, at the time, I felt it genuinely. I learned what it was. And now I'm starting to see it around me. It brings tears just to think that I had lived 20 years not knowing or feeling what love ever was. And sadly, feeling the pain/hurt that often comes from love (ie: relationship that's not just a regular friendship). But it was that phase in my life that has brought me to someone who can feel.
It's a nice feeling. But right now, I can only afford to share my love to my current friends. Family is just too big of a stepping stone. And the remaining category of relationships with humans that I can think of right now - well, even though it is what has brought me to my current state, it is what has brought me to my current state. I've been questioning many things lately. I think I'm starting to become a real person. With real contemplations about life. But I'm not quite ready to share any of them with people I know right now. I do apologise.
Now back to academic contemplations.
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5 Comments
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| 啼笑姻緣 - Jordan Chan |
| 10.14.05 (5:26 pm) [edit] |
I found my USB key that had some chinese songs on it. So I've been listening to chinese music lately. This was a song we listened to loop for half a day. At the time, I didn't fully realise what it was singing about, although, I sort of understood the chorus. Now that I've looked up the lyrics, and though they are in chinese, I am able to understand enough of it (it's in Cantonese, and i can recognise a few more words in "writing" than when it's being sung). It's funny how we listened to this song at the time.
啼笑姻緣
歌手：陳小春 | 作曲：陶吉吉, 蔡振南
填詞：黃偉文 | 編曲：陶吉吉
＊苦戀三千年 分 皆一別
匆匆只一面 偏 很閃電＊
隆重上演 啼笑姻
情侶都笑過喊過 像相戀 <-- we laugh, we cry, then we break up>平淡最苦 煩惱很
榮幸到愛上兩個 又辛酸
若我可揀選 我的 愛也要亂
才算有血有肉 震 驚天
沒有兜兜轉 過山 太快坐完 <-- something about going in circles>沒有分手的驚險 侶哪有戲好演
＃心 可以攻 可 守 可以呃 可 搶 可以偷 <-- hearts can fall, can be stolen, lie, cheat, steal, hurt, take> 可以傷 可以修 就算隱隱的痛都 種溫柔 <-- no matter how much it hurts, it's still so ...gentle/sensitive? ...> 手 牽過手 握 手 轉過手 得 手 失過手 <-- tell me to leave, tell me to stay> 跟我走 趕我走 為你哭得出我都 得享受＃
＠未怕情深亂一生 愛因種出斷腸恨
就算殘忍亦僥倖 這生碰到這個人 <--even if it's brutal, i would do it for the person>
陪著你演 啼笑姻
情侶間鬥智鬥勇 日新鮮
行過鋼線 遊過花 <-- walk across electrical wires, walk across flower garden>從沒有碰上至算 壞的天
若我可揀選 我的 愛也要亂
才算可歌可泣 愛 交煎
沒有兜兜轉過山車 快坐完 <-- rollercoaster ride finished too quickly>沒有爭執的畫面 愛哪裡夠經典
REPEAT＃
rap:為怕 愛人你變 左心 我終日提心 膽
步步為營淚滿襟 然或者唔知邊個
係我最愛既人 但 可以肯定十分唔 一個人 <-- i may not know who loves me the most, but I'm sure I don't even want one>生得相聚 死人化 當然感人
話裂痕 有裂痕 算有質感
樂極生悲可能太震 太過份
情願否極泰來苦盡 你一鑊甘
REPEAT＃
心 可以攻 可以 可以呃 可以 可以偷
可以傷 可以修 怕不分哭笑總有 保留 <-- no matter how much it makes me cry, I would bare/bear it>手 牽過手 握過 轉過手 得過 失過手
跟我走 趕我走 我一世折墮都覺 風流
REPEAT＠＊
仙丹怎麼煉 心經 麼唸
反覆的糾纏 怎麼 於善
copied from:
http://hk.music.yahoo.com/lyrics/2287" title="http://hk.music.yahoo.com/lyrics/2287" target="_blank"http://hk.music.yahoo.com/lyr...
So, my translations are terrible, and sparse. uh, electrical wire? i think that's pretty much what he meant. but u know, metaphorically.
Basically, the jist of it is, that, after 3000 years, ppl still go thru shit for "love".
I know more of what's going on, I jsut don't know how to say it in english *-) .. lol who thought me, of all people, would know some chinese that i can't translate into english.
and of all ppl, who would've thought I would post chinese lyrics up on my blog. damn, I've changed. I'm actually half considering learning mandarin sometime in the future. MUCH further in the future. lol
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8 Comments
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| Bruised ... |
| 10.13.05 (2:54 pm) [edit] |
...again
wtf? Why does this always happen? I took my first step to REALLY getting over this today, and guess who decides to randomly msg me today?
It's not even like we said anything that would really mean anything, but I could tell that our talk on msn is alot less strained than when we converse in person. I know he knows that. It's my weak spot. But just talking almost like we used to (but me with a colder tone, if that's possible over msn) just brought emotions I don't want to the surface.
Coincidentally, I was listening to one of Utada Hikaru's biggest hit singles at the same time.
what the crap.
what the effing crap.
it's always when i'm trying to study for math too.
I need this resolved before i turn 21. then i can just write off my 20th year completely and pretend it didn't happen. i don't want my 21st year to mirror any part of my 20th. i'd rather muddle along lonely and miserable. rather than lonely, miserable, hurt, contemplative, and hateful.
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4 Comments
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| :) |
| 10.05.05 (6:23 pm) [edit] |
aww, I feel missed! hehe. So, apparently people actually DO like having me around! sometimes anyway. *-) That made me smile today when a few ppl said they missed me. It's good to be missed. It means that I'm not just some random person who passed through their lives. I'm someone who actually did something good and want to be seen again. :D yay :) So perhaps some of my characteristics aren't as bad as I thought. Bad things only happen when someone takes advantage of certain characteristics.
Maybe things will look up this year. Perhaps I can start my 21st year different, and it will make up for my 20th year's crappiness. Only time can tell what will happen though. But only I can control how I handle the situation. I will not fall for the same things again. I will listen to myself this time. Fight. Baby steps Mandy, baby steps.
Oh, while on the topic of babies, Charisse had her baby girl at 1:48am today! Happy Birth day, Rachel May !! :) I already know you're going to have great parents that will love you eternally.
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3 Comments
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