Why?
1) I need a new computer: Because my computer is pretty crappy. I realised recently that it only runs decently because I don't run ANYTHING except for MSN, Windows Media Player, and some application I'm using for whatever I'm doing (Firefox, my coding editor, Word...that type of stuff) on it.  (ie: I don't run any anti-virus thing or spyware or wahtever on it).  Because I find, my computer UBERLY lags when I have my spyware protector thing running.  So yeah, continuing on this computer in my Major in Computer Science and potential Minor in Software Engineering is just disgraceful. I mean, I think for my next project, I actually NEED to go to campus to work on it because I don't have space to install Linux on my computer, or I just have such sad system requirements that the program I need to run the program that I will be writing won't support it

2) I really want to purchase a clarinet. I really miss the sound of it and playing it... And I want the same type I had in highschool... oh pretty sound that came from "my" wooden clarinet...I want to recreate that sound that got me through highschool ... lol

3) I'm gonna get a SUPERLY BAD reference from my employer...seriously, in the last 3 weeks, I've worked less than 3 hours in total. And only one of those hours were worked AT the place. the other almost 2 were from home. oy. This was like, my only chance of getting a computer-related reference. And I totally blew it. Unless I get EVERYTHING done before I'm done my work-study period...

Yup. So I need to work more. 

Nothing ever stops all these thoughts
and the pain attached to them
sometimes I wonder why this is happening
it's like nothing I can do
will distract me when I think of how I shot myself in the back again
'cause from the infinite words I could say /I
put all the pain you gave to me on display/but didn't realise/instead of setting it free/I
took what I hated and made it a part of me

[it never goes away]

Hearing your name/the memories
come back again
I remember when it started happening
I'd see you in every thought I had and then
the thoughts slowly found words attached to them
and I knew as they escaped away I was
commiting myself to them/and every day I
regret saying those things/'cause now
I see/that I
took what I hated and made it a part of me

[it never goes away]

and now
you've become a part of me
you'll always be right here
you've become a part of me
you'll always be my fear
I can't separate myself from what I've done
I've given up a part of me
I've let myself become you

Get away from
Me
Gimme my space back/you gotta just
Go
everything comes down to memories of
you
I've kept it in but now I'm letting you
know
I've let you go
get away from me

I've let myself become you
I've let myself become lost inside these thoughts of you
giving up a part of me
I've let myself become you

------------------------- ------------------------- --------------------

Things that came to mind on the walk home. Honesty (re: me losing 10 more marks on my math midterm cause I'm an honest person). Trust (or lack thereof). Hate. Disgust. Dead inside. Fear. Untrustworthy people. Hate. Sick. Stupid boys. Selfishness. sadness.

Until I can completely stop seeing/hearing what's-his-effing-face, I'm not ever gonna get over this. But either way, I've been scarred for life. I'll never be the same trusting person again. Never. It pains me to realise this.

I made two points in the last 3 days. Drinking and Driving is BAD, and I will not sit in a car if the driver has had even a drop of alcohol. This world needs more honest and less selfish people.

People must think I'm crazy (okay, I know they do) and super moody. Or just two complete people.  My math study buddies (yes, i have 2 now! lol) and I all get along fine when we're studying. but when we're not studying for anything, I find that I just don't talk to them much, at all, unless they ask me something.  Or maybe I'm just in that PMS stage right now. I could be. Cause I am finding myself falling into that dark moody side again, as you've probably noticed from the above mentioned stuff in this post.  Also, with the newer study buddy, I have great MSN convos with him, but outside of MSN, it's as if I don't talk to him (well, post-midterm anyway). Like today, I just walked away from both of them after math without saying anything.   yeah...I'm moody, I won't deny it.

I'm probably a difficult person to figure out, eh? oops. oh well. Ppl don't need to know what I'm thinking.  It's generally not important.