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| I am not functioning like a human today |
| 06.23.05 (4:22 pm) [edit] |
After the 6th straight day of work, I am deteriorating quickly already. Though I don't think I looked or overtly seemingly acted tired, I think I was. On numerous occasions, I gave the wrong change to the customer. I'm so glad for honest people.
On the drive home, I had my music up (Papa Roach), but, I didn't feel like I could hear it. And, it got so loud at a point that I could hear the LOUD, but the music wasn't there.
I should not have been driving today. I semi-contemplated if I should bus home from work, but my sister needed the car this evening.
I almost rear-ended a car today. I slammed on the brakes and my tires made that skidding sound, and the guy in front of me looked in his mirror, and everyone prolly wondered what the hell was going on, becaues there was prolly still plenty of space in front of me to not have to brake the way I did, but I just wasn't paying attention and I thought I was gonna hit him.
I was just so incredibly out of it today. I hope a day off will fix me. I'm still pretty out of it. I took a nap after I showered after work (which I stayed an extra hour after I got off so I could read, because I KNEW I'd sleep as soon as I got home and not do work). Before I eventually fell asleep, I reflected on the day, and how I messed up so many times. Honest ppl are always the nice ppl. And nice ppl are often taken advantage of. And those are the ppl who always end up getting hurt. In any situation. Playing nice doesn't always mean you get the better end of the stick.
I know what I did wrong. I was too nice. Too forgiving. But, how does a person change that aspect of their personality? Either, you become like every other person who doesn't give a shit about the next person and only care about themselves and their own welfare, or you stay as you are, and get really hurt along the way, just for being a nice person.
I saw two of our regular customers, and I got so sad. And lonely. A friend asked the other day, about another friend, how she doesn't want to date again yet. And I tried to explain how even a person wants to, they may not, because they are so scared, and scarred from a previous experience, of being used and cheated on. I admit, I am so incredibly lonely right now, I really want someone to be with, to share happiness with, to be able to meet up randomly for coffee in the middle of the day just to see each other. But I am so beyond scared, and still hurting, that I am retreating back into who I was a year ago.
I know I shouldn't fear something that might not even happen, but, it's hard. Things from the past always hold me back from moving forward.
I look forward to sleep, but, not really. I always end up crying when I start thinking about stuff (or continuing the thinking). That quiet, solitary time allows too much space for reflecting. And lately, I've been crying randomly alot, still about the same shit. I can't seem to help it. I almost cried at work out of pure frustration today. I was so close to punching Tyrone again. He gave me the "invite" to hit him, and omg, it's like wanting to eat an entire cup of whipped cream, but you know you shouldn't, so you don't. I SOOO wanted to punch that boy. Honestly. He gives me so much shit sometimes, and I don't even know why. Why do some ppl have to be such smartasses? I had to leave the front, and I went to the back to vent, and I had to punch something, so I turned to the solid-ish steel door in the back office.
"Getting Away With Murder" -Papa Roach
Somewhere beyond happiness and sadness
I need to calculate
What creates my own madness
And I'm addicted to your punishment
And you're the master
And I am waiting for disaster
...
I drink my drink and I don't even want to
I think my thoughts when I don't even need to
I never look back cause I don't even want to
And I don't need to
Because I'm getting away with murder
...
------
anyway, I don't think I would ever be able to handle work that requires alotta responsibility. I would TOTALLY be one of those people who brings work home with them,a nd be a workaholic or something. And I cannot mentally handle it. 2 days without the owner, and being psuedomanager is KILLING me already.
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posted by: Lilz (reply)
post date: 06.29.05 (9:27 pm)
Aww Mandy!! I saw that look on your face when you were really ticked off =( thatz why I decided to do that stupid nonsense dance to that ...song. Mandy mandy bo bandy banana nana ...lalala. yeah. LOL. You're a hard worker...a soldiah! Think about the reward from workin as crazily as you did.
posted by: SmilezAlwayz (reply)
post date: 06.30.05 (7:36 pm)
Reply to: Lilz
hehe, thanx, i know that's why u did that dance thing. lol. it was quite funny, i admit. but honestly, i was SOOOO close to punching tyra.
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