I am sad. I am sad that I'm not more tired to go to bed, but mostly I am sad that even though I'm trying to "let go" of something I never had, things constantly remind me of him.

Kay and I went to GTs tonight for Vanessa's 19th Bday.  I had curled my hair and it looked really pretty and bouncy.  At the bar/club, I didn't really do anything. I did not even drink because I had had some drinks before we left the apartment. I do not dance, and there was no band playing either tonight.  I sat with Trish the whole time basically because she had no option but to sit aside, for she had broken her foot at GTs sometime earlier this year.  I found myself looking for people I knew, mostly him.  But I had a strong feeling that if he were to be in the same building at that time, he would have been at the "patio".  Two hours, plus a bit more, later, the people I had been sitting with (floormates from last year) started leaving, so I searched for Kalen and I moved awkwardly for two songs and asked if we could leave after the currently playing song.  While making our way out, I once again found myself profusely searching for a guy on crutches, or just a familiar face.  We reached the patio area, and I caught a glimpse of someone who could have potentially been him.  I tried to see if it was him, but people were in my way, and Kay kept on walking.  I saw the person he was talking to (back of his head anyway) and it looked like someone (in particular, someone I always saw him with last year).  I tried and I tried to see above people's heads, but I was so cold and Kay had walked further ahead, that I just left without finding out for sure if it was him.  I knew in the back of my head, though, that I was missing a huge oppurtunity to finally clear my mind.

Back at the apt, I talked to a roomate of mine, and I mentioned maybe seeing him, and she asked: "Is that why you're going out so much? Especially GTs?" Perhaps. I didn't answer her, I just looked away. But it is very likely that is why. I make excuses, and they're generally all valid, but I think that subconciously, the absolute truth is something else entirely.  I think that I thoroughly think this stuff through to make sure that I can accept the reasons for my behaviour.  But I know I'm lying to myself.  I hate lying.  It hurts me to realise that I seem to be a hypocrite sometimes.  I don't know if that applies here, but I know that in some ways, I am a hypocrite.  I am sorry, I hate to be like that, but I am just so confused.  Not knowing what my actual morals are, not knowing what I want, and not thinking important things thoroughly.  I end up doing things against what I say. (That was slightly off topic. But thus far, I think it was fairly understandable and organized.  Sorry, I think my writing101 lectures are rubbing off on me.)

It saddens me that I am such a coward sometimes.  It saddens me that I'm not more social.  And it saddens me the most that I know I am the way I am because I am scared.  I am scared to hear the truth, I am scared to be hurt, I am scared of the future; I am scared of life.

"Thus, the conscience makes a coward of us all." - Hamlet/Shakespeare