So. I'm REALLY frustrated with this whole thinking about what I want to do for the next few years of my lfe. American kid basically lectured me on life and such yesterday, and it really got me thinking. Today has been such an unproductive day filled with laying in my bed staring at a ceiling and trying to put thoughts into words (talking to roommates). But having great difficulty.
The conversation I've had with the "kid" though. I've realised several things about myself that I was really hoping I was making up. I was really hoping that many of the things I thought I was were just a figment of my imagination, but I guess when someone else, who've I only known for like, a week, notices it too, I guess it's real. That's kinda sad.
So, I really don't know what I want to do. Program wise, living wise, life wise. He basically said that he doesn't think I should continue with the program, just cause, if I'm having so many issues in second year, I will prolly die in third year. But. If I even make it to third year, would I want to? I want to try, just to see if I can do it, but, do I want to put myself through that? Because, in the small chance that I do complete the program and get my degree, there is no way in hell I can compete with all those other people out there. People are SOO much better (and prolly like it WAAYYY more) than me. So I don't know why I'm even trying. Like I said before, I like computers, but I don't want to program for a career. Maybe designing, that involves programming of some sort, but not software programming or anything.
I don't kknow what program to do, where to do it. But I need to figure that out ASAP, because that info will be needed when house hunting for next year begins. It's not fair to my roomates to not have an answer for them. I'm considering taking off a year, work, figure out what I want to do, and then go back to school. But, I don't know if I'd want to return to school if I did that. I don't like school. I'm just kinda following everyone else. I realised that today. I'm a follower. All throughout highschool, I followed what other ppl did. But, now what? who is there to follow?
I feel like a lost puppy :(. or just lost.
I'm upset that it took some stranger to open up my eyes, but I'm glad someone did, before it got too late. I can't figure out if he's alright or not yet. He seems to want to help, but sometimes, he seems so incredibly critical, and he's the type that makes you take his opinion. So. agh. So like, I feel like he's just trying to kick me outta the program. Though he's changing programs himself. Maybe he can see my um...adament weakness?... in computer programming, and he's trying to save me years of torture. But, he could just put it more bluntly and stop trying to sugar coat it. Cause honestly, I can't tell. Sometimes, I feel like if I really focussed more, I can do it. But, my low concentration level seems to keep be from that potential. I do not know.
I don't know. I just feel lost. I don't know where I should be. And I know that no one can tell me, because they don't really know what I want, because I don't know what I want. Nor do I know what I'm good at. I like to make things pretty, but what can I do with that? I wanted to do web design type stuff, but, I'd prolly have to go into graphics design or something. I'd be interested, but I don't know if I have that much aspiration to be so...hardcore about it to actually take such a dedicated course, if you will.
I need time to think. I've spent alotta time today thinking. sorta. Asides from the few hours today I did CS (cause of TA hours), I didn't do anything school related (shit, just looked at the clock, it's actually midnight already :?). I thought I had a few more hours. But I was wrong. again.
I'm curious what kind of person other people actually see me as. Except for looking like Lucy Liu (I still don't see it. She was a guest star on Joey today, and I just didn't see the resemblence). I personally thought i was one way, but somehow, the American kid totally thought I was something else. But he prolly thought I was diff. before we talked too. I don't know what I think. of anything. I never know. I'm not an analyzer. I'm anal about things sometimes, but that's different. Je ne sais pas.
On another note, I got 72 for my final Writing grade! therefore, I can proceed to taking Writing209 next semester! I hope this Desktop Publishing class will be awesome! Maybe I will finally find something I want to do. And will be half decent in it. I've gotten diff. feedback from diff. people. Some tell me, that I should be doing something I like. Follow my heart. Some say, don't do it just because you like it. You may like it, but it won't be able to get you anywhere in life. Do something you're good at. BUT THAT'S THE FREAKIN PROBLEM! I don't know what I'm good at! I don't think I'm good at one subject, as a whole. I'm more of a...crafty..person. I think. Creative, sort of. But...not really. I don't know.
I'm gonna go finish reading this career assessment thing. I'll let you know what I find.
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