hmm, so, more has happened in these last few days.

It's come to my attention, that, 10 days ago, I was in tears because I was hurting so much from thinking about what was happening in terms of my "love life". I didn't think, ten days ago, that I'd be where I am today, alot happier than last year, anticipating the new year, and the start of the school year again. Well, I'm only waiting for my Desktop Publishing course...and possibly my two CS courses because Mike can help me with it and we can spend time together. So, yeah, in the last few days, we've decided that we're going to try the dating thing when he gets back from the Bahamas. 

I've really enjoyed our conversations thus far, and the other night, on Christmas eve night into Christmas day morning, he helped me reach my goal of staying up for 24hrs (heh, i FINALLY did it...lol..and it wasn't for school). We talked until 5:30am (when i woke up the day before because i had work at 7:30), and he called me at around 3:30am as well for about half an hour. It was really nice of him to do that. Unfortunately, my mom found out, and now, I feel tension in the air now that she knows I like a guy that's not Chinese. That's another story for another time. But, in our conversation, we discovered more similarities. For several years of my life, well, only a few I guess, there was a phrase I quoted from Hamlet once in a while that I used to describe myself with. "Thus conscience does make a coward of us all" (III,i) or something like that. We were talking about some random stuff, and he brought that quote up, telling me that he used it often to describe himself, and I was like, OMG, I use it to describe me too. that was SO weird. what're the odds of that happening? heh. so anyway. we discussed Shakespeare for a while, and a bunch of other random stuff. Towards the end of the night, he write a "poem", but it was basically just words describing how he felt. It was basically what I felt, but, I was alot more scared, and freaked out because of the situation he was in. so yeah. I wrote a "letter" actually, when I thought I wouldn't see him for weeks/months, stating what I was feeling. I may or may not have him read it (I left it at the apt in London), or maybe pick out parts and send it to him. Or I can just tell him. Anyway.

So, all this happened so quickly. A couple of friends think I'm going into this whole thing way too soon. I've gotten negative (VERY negative) feedback from a good friend of mine, and it upsets me that she feels this way. I suppose if I knew him longer (ie: more than a month), she would not have said it was almost "obsessive compulsive", what we're doing. I really hope what I'm doing isn't going to hurt me too much if it doesn't work out. I gotta understand that, I'm just a person he met a month ago, up against someone he's had a relationship with for 8 years and was about to marry in the upcoming year. He said that he won't ever get back together with her because they lacked that companionship (erm, i think that's a word...but u get what I mean) that we shared. I honestly don't know what to expect in a month, or in two weeks when we'll be seeing each other, for that matter. I am waiting in anticipation to see him again though. Seeing him smile makes me smile. He makes me happy, and somehow, I make him happy (I haven't figured out how yet..lol). He makes me feel so special. He understands my erm....lack of experience...in relationships, and he knows how I feel about him and the situation; he's made it absolutely clear that it's not about the sex; made it clear that he won't do anything that'd make me uncomfortable; and that he'd do anything to not screw this up. 

Sometimes, I think we're handling this too impulsively, because we know our time constraints. Plus, I've regretted so much from the past, that, I think I've had enough of it. I've found someone who enjoys my company as much as I enjoy his, and now that I have the opportunity to try to make it work, I'm gonna take that risk of being hurt in the end if it doesn't work out. It kinda scares me though, that he's so much more experienced than I, and I don't know what he expects of me. Well, he knows I don't have a clue, and he's been really understanding. We're already open with questions and stuff; could come in handy later on. But yeah. Tonight, we were chatting again, and after a while, he asked what I was thinking (I think I told him about how my mom found out about him...or maybe it was about school...i cannot remember :? ). And then he offered to buy me a ticket to the Bahamas so I could spend the rest of the week with him. He was actually serious. I don't know, I feel like I'm being unfair because he seems to like me alot more than I like him. Then again, he has most likely done this before (which kind of worries me a bit), so he doens't find it as weird as I do. Does he really miss me that much? or does he do this out of habit? I could ask if it comes up again. But yeah...He's trying to get back to London sooner now, since his dad left today for business, and his siblings are all leaving around the 2nd for school. I kind of hope he can get back sooner. I want to see him and spend time with him. I don't know if what I'm doing is really bad. I mean, he did only officially break off his engagement like, a week and 2 days ago. But the two of them already discussed what they're gonna do. She wants him to find out what he really wants, and vice versa. So at the end of their month of separation, what happens, happens. If I end up crying for days, oh well, I'm sure I'll enjoy the days I spend with him, happier than I have been in years, because I already am happier than I have been in years when I'm conversing with him. Take things one step at a time. Because, you never know what life throw at you. So many external factors that you cannot possibly predict. Why bother planning.

I seem to have learnt alot lately. These past couple of years, past few months, the past few weeks, past few days. I've changed, too. I think it's for the better. I'm more openminded I suppose, and you know what? It's about time. I'm starting my 20th year of living, by, living.