#1 talked to me today. Given me more to think about.
She let me know her observation of me in the past month-ish. She said I was beaming (alot) at the beginning. But now, not so much, if at all. Like I said, when I'm with him, I am super happy, but when I'm not, I remember all the external implications. He randomly dropped by today after his CS meeting. We both seemed a bit hesitant. Him because he knew I was hurt and didn't know what he should do to make me feel better, and dind't want to make anything worse. Me because I didn't know what I want to do with the relationship. I didn't know whether to encourage the relationship and pretend everything was actually okay, or to give the impression that I was really hurt and didn't want anything to do with the situation anymore. After that talk with Kay, I have more to think about. Is what I want is to stay with him? For now, yes, but in the long run? If I definatley know that we're gonna split up, then I should end it here, so neither of us get more emotionally attached. But, do I want to end it? ever? I can't really say that we want entirely separate things, because I don't really think that far into the future. I know I don't have a huge desire to complete my education here, I now know that I'm not entirely opposed to travelling; I am quite adaptable (as long as they speak English), and I'm very accomodating. I never had a clear, if any, picture of my future. So, I don't know. It's not like, staying with him will shatter MY dreams, because I don't have any. But it would shatter my parents probably. Just having a non-Chinese boyfriend would be hard enough, possibly marrying a non-Chinese would be even more hard (this is far far into the future however...I'm just speaking hypothetically), and to move away, to another country halfway across the globe would be a very bad conversation that I wouldn't want to have with them.
Right now, all external factors put aside, I would be willing to do all that for him. But, those external factors, not just my parents/family, but including his ex-girlfriend (ex-fiancee), plus my own insecurities in life seem to be more of an issue.
I really need to get studying. I need to learn to focus and get this studying out of the way. Midterm tomorrow and the day after. If our talk doesn't happen sometime this week, and if he doesn't get more surprise visits from the ex, we will try our talk over the weekend, most likely. Dunno where though. Here, where there's distractions? or at his place where there's the possibility of the visit? I dunno.
I was kinda hurt that he chose to see her over me today, but he dropped by, so it was okay. I understand that he needs to sort things out with her, but, I am getting alittle concerned about what they're sorting out exactly. And I suppose there is that small chance that he goes back to her. But I don't want to think about it. As a friend, I don't think he should go back to her, because he didn't seem happy at all. But I don't know if he should stay with his current gf (me) because we both know that there's the chance that this will just have to all end when he finishes school and leaves the country.
So my dilema is, do I see enough potential, feel enough love, have enough courage, to drop everything I have ever had in Canada (ie: friends and family) to be with him?
|
