I don't know if I've ever felt this distant to everyone before.
There is no one in this lab that I can vent and cry on.
I was finally in my thinking mood until he came by after dinner to see if I wanted a ride home.  That broke it my productivity streak (of all of 30 min).
I don't understand what I am supposed to do. 
I asked him last night when there will be an "official break", and he said, "do we need one? frankly, I will never ask, unless in the only scenario where I find someone else I want to be serious with, and that would be Karen."  Well that just sent me to the waterfalls for a while.  I understand his feelings and everything, but fuck, if he's like that, why are WE still seeing each other in that way?  I can't tell if it's helping the situation or making it worse. I guess, in a way, it's helping that he's not returning to her, cause she doesn't ever want to see him again, and he doesn't feel as lonely when I'm around. But clearly, I am not meeting is needs. And the only one right now that can, is the person who doesn't ever want to see him again. I don't know what to do, what to say to him, how to help him. I don't think I can.  Whether I leave, or stay, I don't think it will help.  I don't know exactly how vulnerable he is right now, so I can't say that in the long run it will help, because, what if he does crawl back to her? I don't know. I really don't know.

I myself, I don't know, after him, may go ahead and become a nun. I'll be a hermit nun. Or, just a hermit. I don't talk to people. People don't talk to me. I can't talk to people in general. For some fucked up reason, I don't want to tell people my problems, because it sounds petty when my feelings are formed into words. But if they're so stupid and petty, why have I cried so many times during the day and cried myself to sleep so many times this week?

I may lose my dignity after these last few posts to the few people who read it. But right now, I don't care.  But don't think you can help me. I don't think anyone can. Not you, not him, not that guy at SDC, not even myself. I am drowning in myself, and I cannot swim. Maybe that physical inability to swim, was an indicator all along.