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| Lifehouse...life... |
| 05.30.05 (10:09 pm) [edit] |
YAY LIFEHOUSE!!!
Just got back from their concert :D They're AWESOME in concert! WHOOO!!!
Some band called The Rocca D'Luca Band (or uh, something sounding something like that :? ) opened for them, and they're pretty awesome too! Man, their guitaring skills are SUPERB! ;)
So yeah, Lifehouse, despite Jason Wade's recent pnuemonia sickness, he was still able to sing and play REALLy well. I bet anyone who didn't know previously about him cancelling other shows because of his being sick, they wouldn't know he was sick! well, until he had a drink from a bottle, and he assured us that it wasn't alcohol, but something called "throat coat", and he was like "does anyone wanna try it?" and some ppl were saying yes (ie steph and this other person near the front) and he's like "really? well, here u go", and then she agreed that it wasn't good, and he's like "yeah, it tastes pretty bad. now don't pass it around" . lol, it was funny. but yeah. It was a pretty awesome concert. He said we were the most well-pitched audience they've had on this tour so far (although, I HOPE he was lying, cause we weren't that great at all! lol). Hehe, oh, I love live concerts, the bands are SOO much better live. You have so much more respect for them when you see them in their element. Performing what they wrote. :) Jason Wade even had a few short "stories" of some of his songs. hehehe, including one of the songs he wrote to try to get a girl to like him, called "Somewhere in between". hehe, the story was pretty funny, saying from where he's from, u only get noticed by a girl if u're one of 2 things: a football player, or a musician. And him being a tall skinny boy, not into sports, he picked up the guitar. haha. he's funny. but yeah. :) He's cool in my books. The other guitar player (not the new bass guitarist, the other dude) was really funny, his expression was hilarious for most of the show. he seemed to be thoroughly enjoying himself. hehe...
Lifehouse, you're absoultely awesome, and keep doing what you're doing. Jason, if writing music is what gets you girls, keep at it (unless you've already found one) ;) hehe. Judging by your mass female audience, it worked. hahah. I am glad you guys decided to stay together, after taking a couple years off. Your music is great. I can sleep to it, I can read to it, I can bob my head to it, and I LOVE to hear you perform live.
I discovered a new song that I like: Storm. It's really good. he sang it by himself, only him and the drummer on the stage. it was really good...everyone seemed mesmerized. well, I definately was.
During parts of the concert, I got pissed off. Not at the band, they were beyond awesome, but because I found myself thinking about the stupid past again. Why can't I just, forget anything that ever happened? I dunno...but at some part of it, I think it was prolly during "Undone", I got thinking (specifically)...
Mike said "From what you know about love so far, ...this is it."
I suppose, thinking now, at that point in my life, perhaps I was. I remember for about 2 weeks, I was the happiest I remember ever being in my life. I remember when he was sick and I was over at his place taking care of him, at one point when he was just resting in bed and I was laying beside him, I was just looking up at him, and I really wanted to say it. I didn't though. And I never did. I probably never will now. Even if I got the chance to, I wouldn't. I don't know if I still do. I am still superly upset, I am still going back and forth between angry and sad and missing him. I really missed him tonight. I saw so many couples there, and I wanted him to be there with me. But that's in the past now, I can't ever return to that. Not after all that. I can't let myself. I made the mistake the first time, and I suppose I made the mistake the second time too (my initial attempt to break up with him in March). But I can't let myself do that again for a third time.
He told me, "don't let people rent space in your head". And I said "yeah, you just took it". Damn right he did! He has overstayed his welcome. And I want him out.
I don't care if he still likes me, I can't see why he still can, after all my complaints and stupidness and saying/doing things to blame him that he "didn't do anything to deserve" cause obviously, he had to have done SOMETHING for me to have said all that, for me to cry all those tears. I don't think I have ever cried more tears over him than any one other person. I don't want to keep raising those numbers. I'm dehydrated as it is, I don't need to lose anymore fluids.
He has been removed from my MSN list. I opted not to block him. But I know if for some messed up reason he still messages me, I will make sure we keep conversations strictly on an aquintance level. I cannot handle anything that remotely relates to "us", or the former us, or a possible future us if anything ever changes.
I just have to keep on reminding myself. Remind myself of what Ling said: "Do you think you would be happier than before?...if not, you're wasting ur time". I am wasting my time. I will not be happier. I cannot. I will always have hovering quams. And I would never be able to fully trust him. And, I am still working on the "talking" thing. I was sitting in Tyrone's car tonight, on the drive back from the concert at the Guverment, and I was thinking how, I really only blog when there are things I want to say, but I have problems saying them to actual people. I know few people read this anyway, but the ones who do are probably the ones who know the most of what is going on. Between those and who I MSN, are the ones who know me the most. It is so sad. Why can I not talk to people? And when I see these people, I don't talk about it too much (I don't think). And sometimes, I keep on trucking through life as though nothing is going on. I suppose, everyone goes thru issues. And everyone has ways to cope. I always thought blogging and stuff helps. But it makes me realise that without it (internet communications), no one would know what is going on in my head. I have a bunch of other stuff too. But this is the main thing that has remained on the surface of my mind for the past few (:?) months. I have expressed alot of anger and confusion and disappointment that I never used to talk about. Not much anyway. I know I have changed alot during this year. I am still debating if I regret anything. I know I am upset. I know I am hurt. I know I am angry. I am still debating if I regret.
How do you decide whether or not you regret something?
I am definately still teeter-totering between the two main emotions. Music really affects how I feel and think though. Papa Roach reminds me of why I musn't, and why I decided, why I can not ever "see" Mike again. But other more "pop" songs remind me of the happiness and security that I had once experienced, as short of a period as it had been. ie: Lifehouse's "Everything"; "Where I want to be" (uh, the title is SOMETHING like that :? it definately starts with "where" though..haha); etc.
I still thank you, Ling, for that "do you think u will be happier" thing. If it weren't for that, I would prolly still be contemplating if I should get back together with him. I cannot. I will not. I still want to sometimes, but now, I remember, I remember how much I cried, how much trust I had lost, how HURT I was. Mentally and physically. I always used to mind what other ppl would feel, as a side effect of what I did. But now, this chapter in my life had taught me, that, people were right, you have to look out for yourself sometimes and be selfish.
"There was something that didn't feel right. Whenever I hugged you, you always seemed like you were going to burst into tears", said Mike. I think this was at the point when Sociology started to take its toll on me, and I was contemplating life and its miseries. And how it affected me. And how I wanted to tell him everything, but I just couldn't. I wanted to cry because I couldn't open up to him. And he made me feel worse because of that.
"I said things in an emotional fit, before I knew all of you", he said. Which I translate into, "Had I had known this side of you, I would not have wasted my time trying, knowing that you can't talk to me".
And, what side is this that some may still be wondering about? I dunno. Slowly, I will probably get it all out. But, I will just drop bits and pieces of what is on my mind.
I hate what I am becoming, currently, with this whole Mike ordeal. I am changing, in the aspect that I am not caring about him anymore, and yet I do. I care, even though I do sorta want to punch him. He's even said I can beat him up if I want to, and I prolly would want to, until I see his face and then I won't. But then I'll just turn around again and punch a wall/door.
Hmm, I should take into consideration what happened between him and his ex. He would "get back together" with her, by which I mean, see her, because they miss each other and stuff, but then, soon after, ie: next day, he would remember "all the emotional shit", and be upset again, and so would she, and blahblahblah. So, if I learn from HIS experience, it can't happen. All that "emotional shit" would come back, and I will just be upset again.
So no more. I will find myself bouncing between the emotions for another while, I PRAY it doesn't last the entire summer. Honestly, I need to move on. But I will fight it. I will fight and I will not lose this battle (hah, yes, I will phrase it like that, so maybe it will make me even wanna win more, lol). In the end, by holding out and remembering Ling's wise words, I will win. I can, and I will. I just need to prove it.
------------------------- ------------------------- --------------
Jeebus, this has been one long post. I'm sorry. I doubt many, if any ppl read past the first paragraph anymore, cause I just sound like a broken record.
If you do, I thank you for following me through some of my thoughts. I have difficulties expressing them in person; one of the reasons why Mike and I didn't work out. And one of the reasons that will forever hold me back in any relationship in my past, present, and future.
Goodnight, and please forgive me for being such an annoying kid sometimes. I need to get things out, and I can't seem to form them into verbal words. Maybe one day I can finally get my "deep dark secrets" out. lol. hopefully....one day.
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posted by: xxwhor3xx (reply)
post date: 06.02.05 (4:02 pm)
Thanks for the comment.
I like working With FOAF animations. Yeah, i'm a Html freak.
I can help you with your layout anytime you like, if you want.
<3
posted by: xxwhor3xx (reply)
post date: 06.02.05 (4:36 pm)
Foaf, is basically what I have to adjust to make the things move.
, Of course I'll always replay.
tfriend?
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